A letter from Oct 5th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hey Ananya!!! Happy 18th Birthday 🥳!!! this is 13-year-old you writing. I know...must seem like a long time right? Right now, this moment, i am feeling numb. i don't feel anything. there is no purpose, no drive, nothing. i'm basically dead. Before i used to have such passion in my life, i use to be like "yeah ! lets do this! I wanna keep on moving , i don't wanna stop!" But now, i feel all of it is gone. not 'gone' gone but it's definitely suppressed. Why? I don't know. And that is ******* annoying. it frustrates me , i feel lost. i can't figure this out. I even wrote a poem to try to caption my numbness : DRY sand flowing, salt air blowing waves crashing and i'm dancing to the sad hymn of my life dancing, if you could call it that my soul so dry, you can't call it a drought my soul so dry, that water detests me my soul so dry, life resents me every move i make i hear a crack in my crumbling soul i tried to paint over it i tried to prevent it but no matter what i do, it never works i am dry like an old autumn leaf broken, dusted, with patches that need to be fixed so i hope when i lay my eyes on you i feel alive. See? So, that's why i am writing this letter to you now. I know people make a huge deal about turning 18 , but no matter what, i just hope, pray, wish that you're alive. And not only living , breathing, but 'alive' alive. As in you can feel things, you can see and feel beauty. You can FEEL. 'Cause i can't right now. I don't know where you are, who you're with and i don't want to know. Because though i can't feel anything right now , i do know that things will work out and everything will be just fine. It's just this gut feeling. There's this line i heard in the movie 'The Intern' - "They say musicians don't retire, they stop when there's no more music left in them" . So Ananya, i hope , today and counting, you have music in you. P.S. I have an English Literature test tomorrow, and i'm very lightly prepared LOVE ❤❤❤❤🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 🍕 Ananya.