A letter from Oct 3rd, 2021

are you still using this email ? are you even still alive ??;;;; 5 years from now i will be 19 !! almost 20 ... hopefully by now youre in nursing school right ??:;; you didnt give up on it or anything, you know how badly i want to be a nurse, so dont ... let me down;;; also did you decide on denmark or japan yet ??;;; maybe you chose a different country, maybe you chose to stay home;;; do you have a girlfriend yet ??;; is she nice ? whats her name and how long have you been with her ??;;; will i be with her soon ??;;; or maybe you have a boyfriend !!!! but i dont see myself with any boys in the future, so i really doubt it. right now as i write this i am in a really bad situation, i have tried to **** myself multiple times this year, im grateful it didnt succeed !!! this year i have been really desperate for a girlfriend, hopefully you are not that desperate now ... but if you are its okay;;; its not like i can judge you for it when i cry myself to sleep over it. im scared for when i receive this email, it will make me feel empty i think, i dont like the thought of growing up, i dont want to make you feel old at all either .. but just know 19 isnt old, neither is 20, you dont magically turn into a granny after 17, even if you might feel that way. how is your brother now ??;; he will be almost 8, do you still live with him and mum ??;;;;;;; is he still as messy as he is now ??;;;; and is mum any better now ??;;; how is nana doing too ??;; i really hope she is still around, i dont like saying these things but i am really scared that she will be gone by time you get to read this again, i dont want to lose her of all people did you ever contact dads side again ?? or are you just leaving it ??;;; knowing me right now ill probably do something ill regret, but i think now i need to talk to them more than anything, but id probably end up turning it into an argument. but, maybe youll be mature and decide its best to just clear the air nicely rather than being overly emotional and letting things get out of control, after all, thatd just make things worse, i know that now so hopefully you will take this knowledge into the future too .... dont feel embarrassed about the things i did this year, dont feel guilty for anything bad i said this year, 5 years from now youd be able to put it past you and apologize for it, i get embarrassing memories from time to time and i know youll get them too, but just know that youre different from then, you learn and grow all the time and everyday is a new opportunity to be a new you. except, i just cant be a "new me", whats the deal ??;; im always the same, i hate it, i resent the way i am so much. i wish i was more like how i ideally want to be, i wish i could change my personality easily, ive tried so many times, but it doesnt work. maybe youve succeeded, maybe you regret succeeding, or maybe youre comfortable with how you really are instead of changing it ... ? whatever you feel like, just know that i am happy you made it this long. october 3rd, 2026, ill see you then. goodbye.