A letter from Oct 3rd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, i was, recreating life, in a sense, by renovating my journal and i somehow made the grave mistake of reading all the old pages. i feel hollow again. yikes. i have exams- premocks- going on and its sort of , overwhelming and. i was sort of feeling good yesterday in the start because my english paper went well and i won a partial scholarship for this thing thats, sort of, i think, affliated w cambridge and oxford. not sure. but yeah sort of feeling good. but then it was like. **** **** **** im, a horrible person. i think my brother hates me or is jealous of me, im not close or kind to most of the people i know, especially my family. i dont know. it was, intense. and i couldnt even cry cause my sisters home and shes in my room most of the time. she and my brother are playing games with the other cousins right now so, free room yay. Anyways tonight i sort of had a breakthrough while scrolling on pinterest and i was like hey! i have so much potential! so i wrote down things i wanna be able to do and be in the future, renovated my journal and stuck those two pages and wrote a bit more. and then did the mistake of reading the old entries. they were, depressing and just. i wish i could say ive, progressed from there but i really dont know. im going to make sure i send a few more positive and lighthearted emails so this isnt the only thing you read in 5 years lol. but. yeah. i was definitely, comparatively doing better right now but all of a sudden im scared of the future again. while reading those entries the entire time i was like, oh well, i believe in myself more now and ive definitely improved and im not everything i used to be but then as soon as i closed the journal my heart just, sank. its overbearing and choking me. i have. such a vague idea of what i want to do in the future and i dont truly know what to do, i dont have any scope for good places to get into and just. im so so scared. im not good at things im supposed to be good at, ***** sake, im a fake. well. i guess i just had to write all this down. its five years in the future and i really hope youve managed to achieve things. its sort of, i want to say and believe that its ok if you havent and that youre working on yourself but im just so, so tired of hating myself and constantly acting as if im 'working on myself'. im not im not every day i become worse. so i just. hope youre making me proud. im sorry if this is just, too much to handle if youve even read this far. i promise i'll send better, kind messages to you so my anger and upset isnt the only thing you remember. love, a ***** who still loves you <3