A letter from Sep 26th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, dear future me ... Today is 26th September 2021. it is currently 7 15 am. yesterday was a disaster for me. I watched porn 3 times. can you believe it? that is not who I am. That is completely not who I want to be at all. I have to write an exam soon. I hope it went well. I wanted to change as a person, which is why I am writing this letter to you. it will serve as a reminder of who I was from your times and will motivate me to change before this letter reaches you. I will write my current self assessment here so as to show you what I was like at 2021. I must have changed alot after 5 years after all. (I initially decided this letter to go to 2022 then 2024 and now 2026. I will write alot of things in this letter maybe I will draft this and work on this for a few days, since it's going so far away, this is alot of time to be working on something) I will talk about some past events here maybe my whole life because I have to make this letter big and have alot of stuff for you to read. I regret my childhood. I was born on 2004 (which you obviously know). my initial years have some pain associated with it. as a child.., how do I say this... I was a big *** crybaby. **** was hard, my mother never helped with it. I was overprotected, I never went outside on my own until I was 14. I lived a hugely couch potato lifestyle, (even though this should make someone a bit of a fatass, I am underweight) I have very low stamina, I get tired easily. when all the children my age only cared for running around and playing, I felt older than my age. this is not to say I am sort of master oogway or that this was a good thing. it was a bad thing for me. I was to shy to even watch cartoons in front of my parents, thought I was a big boy and soon enough discovered porn at like the age of 10, **** went downhill after that. before that I was such a... hugely anxious child. I developed escapism habits, did not help that my parents bought me a tablet instead of legos or some ****. I slept at like 11 pm as a child. sometimes I would pretend to sleep but get up and play **** on the tablet. I was so anxious about school I cried to sleep many times, The school bus, it's pale white color with its ****** brown furred seats, the driver, the teachers in the bus, my toxic bus friend/******* with a bend **** out of him. I was so scared that when I lost a notebook, I would ******* cry and scream. my mother had brainwashed me to believe that nothing less than 90 is satisfactory in grades. I rarely ever got all subjects above 90. this brought me much pain in childhood. during PTA all I wanted to hear was "You did a great job" I wanted to eat the cotton candy or the sweet popcorns they sold near the school during those times. but I only got it once and my parents got more and more unhappy about PTA because my bothers grades were low, so no matter how much I got, my parents would be spenting time shouting at my brother. it pissed me off. My dad, who is a great person and we had some hilarious times, mostly spent his time watching tv. it worried me. it pissed me off too. I was dependent for survival on these 2 dumbasses. my dad's condition brought me much stress. he would lay on the bed watching tv, he had 0 exercise and around 2017 he got heart attack and almost died. you would think such incidents change people. but he hasn't changed. he gave away all our money to our relatives and people far away from our family tree. My parents fought like every week about money. I was stressed out about money from the childhood. my mother even though she is also.. talkative, pampers me and I hate this. she has arthritis and complains everyday about doing work but also does not let me help her. my brother, a huge ******* dumbass, wastes all his money buying expensive food, internet ( so he can watching like, ******* one piece) and **** loads of his lifetime. he spent a whole year just watching **** like Netflix, amazon prime, he thinks it's the way of life. he wasted alot of money. and soon enough my dad's gonna retire in like 5 months. talking about school I have many many embarassing experiences in my childhood. most of them involved my toxic friend who I thought was my best friend but really was an *******. he bullied me in the pretense of playing, and told me I was free to say stop if it is going to far but he didn't. I gave him my food when I didn't eat and money when he asked. he never returned the money. he cheated me once on his birthday too. we went to an expensive restaurant on his birthday he told me it was his treat. he paid for the food. the next day he said his parents wanted the money back. And my dumbass believed him. he just bought some cigarette or vape with the money I don't know what he did it with it. my school years are disappointing the only awesome year was 10th grade before I moved out. a lot of lols were had on 2019. 2020 was also a good year as it was the year I realised I had to change. but nothing much has changed. but other that that my childhood and teenage life was mostly bleak. I put people on this scale of popularity and compared people and I had such low self esteem. I didn't know why I had it until I realised the brutal time I spent with that toxic friend was why. he had a significantly greater life than I had at the time. he was friends with many people, his childhood wasn't disappointing, in fact the only think he said he wanted from my life was the phone I had. because he didn't have his own phone. can you believe it? Many years have passed. I do not want to hear from him again. I had alot of fun in 10th grade ******** on him with my friends. I hope he doesn't change. **** him. even if nothing much changed in my life the one thing I can gladly say now is that I do not want to be anybody else now. I do not desire hitting my head on somebody and then shifting bodies. I have to grow as a person to forget all the experiences I had as a child and become sucessful, maybe start a family and be a great father too. you would be 22 when you get this letter. 5 years is a long time. have you contacted noel? are you still friends with the chicken? he's a great friend of mine. it's bee 7 years that we been friends for. he understands me and I do understand him as well. we both want to change our lives for different reasons. if you have forgotten him it is understandable. he does have his bad sides. how he hates everyone for being basic when some of them are not... when we haven't changed at all we have no right to **** on other, which is also why I (and he maybe) want to change so I can get my ******** on others license 🤪. I have to achieve all these changes. 5 years is a long time. I can work slowly I want the following things to change -Porn addiction -Workout at home/gym(You don't have to have a muscular body, just good stamina and strength) -Read books, listen to podcasts -Meditate Hobbies (any one will do) -Learn the piano. (I wanted a casiotone cts300 but it's gonna be too old by the time I can even buy it so if you found a better keyboard please buy it and start working) -work on art as well -learn to code -Have a good social life, do whatever is necessary for this -Start budgeting Do Not Buy ******** Save **** tons of money (Technically I don't buy ********) -Start investing in stocks (Doesn't matter if you lose money or anything, have a huge amount of savings go to mutual funds.) -Learn to cook -Learn to drive -Learn to swim -Have a side hustle (one of your hobbies can be a source of income) -Have a dream/Life goal/ -Finally Love who you are and where you come from, change your opinion about people, be kind and helpful to the poor, the ones who couldn't make it Currently, I have no hobbies. I am a porn addict, no social life, no exercising, no going out (due to the pandemic, but hope you have enough sunlight there in 2024), no reading books, no meditation, addicted to the phone, I try to make my life better by looking at people lower than me (Chris chan). I convince myself that my peers are lower than me, when they have better life social friends and great hobbies. I so desperately want to be better than them. I don't want to be looked down upon. I have been looked down my whole life, by previous friends I had, by myself even. this is the basis of my self improvement. I want to change myself so I am no longer below another person. I will read as many books, work as many time hard, study whatever is necessary, talk to whoever, fight my anxiety, to make this dream of mine true. I will abandon my internet browser and use my phone from now on only to study. I will fight my porn cravings and urges. when they appear I do something productive or open Spotify and listen to some song or podcast. I will no longer be afraid of my urges. I will take that energy and make it into something positive. So I will do all the work building myself and all you have to do is look into this letter, see me, and cheer for me. I will win this time Yours Faithfully - Ruthless duck/Manhill