FAILED MARRIAGE

Dear FutureMe, I am sitting here crying thinking of how to get out. Do I still love him I don't know. We are two people who really should not be together. Growing up together made the transition so easy. He was always my friend so why not take it furthure. He had always loved me but I was always unsure maybe I should have listened to that vioce form the begining. I just wanted to be loved. He was always the one who was always there. He was the one who always loved me no matter how unlovable I was. However just because you grow up with a person does not mean you will grow with them. We are so different in every way. It is good to have difference but this is to much. We are not the same people we were when we fell in love and we are growing further apart every day. He has diferent values beliefs and passions then me and can not evn respect me for who I am. He yells at me calls me names and still expects me to take care of him and give him scratchies. He needs me more then he loves me. Then there is the eyes of the world on our relationship. Everyone thinks we are so happy and so perfect. Everyone looks to us for that happily ever after that does not exist. We have become this idal of a fairy tal come true. But what happens after " and they all lived happily ever after" I love this stories but in my own I know that they do not exist, it all just a lie. And yet I stay. I put on a smile say the right things and act all dep in love all knowing that it is a mask I carry for everyone even myself. But do I love him I do not know. There are times I am determined to make it work and feel I love him so much I can not breathe without him. And then there are times like now where I inch towards the door dreaming of walking out. Not to long ago I stratled the railing on our 22nd floor balcony swaying back and forth felling the breeze and the freedom I could bring to myself. I thought that if I could not walk out the door and leave I would jump and leave everything. But of course to many people depemd on me and I would feel to guilty (even though I would be dead) to leave them all so selfishly. But what am I doing here in this life and do I even know who I am any more. Is this the life I want or is this simply the life I deserve. I had a thought that maybe this is my purpose, I am to serve others and take care of them and maybe in the next life where ever it may be, someone will take care of me. He always makes me feel guilty and bad about my self. So I wont give him a blow job why is that so important and why can he not respect my feelings. I can see him cheating on me because of it and maybe I hope I catch him so I can have that push to walk out . Then ther is the idea of children. I want children but not with him. He will be such a horrible father I know it. He will barely be around and he will blame me and the child for everything wrong with his life. He already blames me for not going to University evne though it was his decision. He talks about children with such disgust knowing how imoprtant my studies and my future ambitions are to me.. Do I talk bad about music and his research as stupid as some of it is. I stand by him and support him and he simply makes a face every time I talk about the kids I work with. Then there is his family. I feel so unwelome with them. We use to make fun of jennifer and bill being so unaffectionate and boring but that is what he has become. He is his family more then he likes to admit and I hate them. So what am I doing. I am married to this man that makes me feel awful about my self and scared for the future. He needs me more then he loves me and we are both afriad of life apart that we suffer through tis exitence. Who else whould love me, who elve whould put up with me. I have been for the longest time made to feel I am not wroth any better and I can not see myself changing. Also so may people see me as a failure as is if this were to end I would be even more of a failure and I would disappoint and lose so many people. I am inthis for everyone else more then me. I am afriad of life without him but the life I see ahead of me is just as bad if not worse. I do not know how to be alone and I can not stop from crying ver this horrid life that is my fate. this is a dangrous love but I do not know anything else. When I get this where will I be will things be wonderful and I wondring what was I thinking or will this become the extra push I will need to leave if I am not already gone.