A letter from Sep 23rd, 2021

Dear Future valeria (2021) Hey *****! It’s you 5 years ago (the fact that I’m writing this makes me feel a little weird but I hope this works out as I want it to) I’m in that erratic phase we’re you feel good but at the same time as a piece of ****? (Hope is just a phase) Well yeah, I just finished doing an English placement test and I got “intermediate” and not “advanced” not gonna lie, I’m A LOT disappointed of myself, but I guess that’s life, I’m learning how to love myself by this point (it’s really getting kind of hard, but the fact that I’m trying makes it enough, I think). Im becoming spiritual (remember that phase? I really hope is not a phase, cause being like this makes me feel a little free and good with myself in some way) im journaling everyday! I guess that kind of helps to know what my feelings are an discover the source of them, but at the same time makes me feel a little weak for the fact that im expressing them. REALLY hoping that changes in 5 years, it’s hard for me to keep on and to not pay attention to my feeling OR THIS STUPID *** BRAIN. But with the right amount of sarcasm it kinda goes away (or hurts more? Idk, it just kinda works) but I’ve got some questions for you tho, I’ve got A LOT of questions for you that are running into my “erratic?”spiral thought rn but I don’t know if I will be able to articulate them all, let’s just do this ****. First of all… are you still alive tho? -Did you get better? Are you ok? -How’s mom and dad treating you? Did you move out? Do you live alone already? Are we ok? -How do you feel about every aspect of your life rn? -Are you satisfied with all the things -you have done already? -Did you get that dream Career ? -Are you ok with yourself? - have you had ***? IS IT AMAZING AS YOU THOUGHT??? - do you still reading books? - Do you feel loved? Or mattered? - Do you feel successful? - Do you like what you do? - Did you made it to Canada? - Are you skinny? - Did you go to the therapist? -Do you still hurting yourself? - How’s your brother doing? - Are you a completely open bisexual? Or not yet? - Do you still not liking your birthdays? - Do you still friends with Alex, Weasley, Dan, Italia, Jules? - Have you done any of the things you said you would do with them? (Travel tght, live tght, through glass bottle with messages to the ocean every year etc…) - Do you still liking art? - Do you still obsessed with Sebastian Stan? Or Chris evans? Have you stopped reading smut? OH GOD I hope not. - Do you still obsessed with marvel, Harry Potter? - Do you still having undiagnosed social anxiety? - Get your grandma free of that jail she is pls - Are you healthy? - do you still attractive to men and women? - Any gf or bd yet? Remember that we said we wouldn’t have one? When we said we would have friends with rights instead? - Did you ever finally shifted???? - Are you rich? - Did you become a stripper? (Still an option 😏) - DO YOU HAVE CRYSTALS??? - Do you still remember those marvel quotes? - Did you buried your diary and important stuff so anyone else could find them? I can’t make my mind to think of more stupid questions so I’m just going to try to write some sentimental **** for you to cry, (today is Dans bd btw) *adjusts voice fancily* This is a really tough time for me, it’s one of those times where you hated your father and where you somehow wanted a good relationship with your mother. That times where you didn’t care about your father anymore because you knew what he was doing, you wanted to tell your mother but you couldn’t come up to it cause you somehow knew it was going to hurt her, when you felt annoyed by being in your own house and when you stopped telling your feelings to your friends. And started writing them in you phone notes (I’ll put them all in here brb) When you one day Dreamed with your doctor and suddenly you thought you had cancer 💀(do you? Tho🧍🏽‍♀️) when you felt done with live and to stop the pain or to stop thinking about it you started hurting yourself so you could concentrate in THAT pain. (Idk what to written anymore, just feel proud of yourself) Phone notes: August 27th 2021 Aveces quisiera hacerle entender a mi mamá lo mal que me hace sentir, pero después me acuerdo que le abrí mi corazón y me dijo que solo lo estaba inventando. September 7th 2021 Como me gustaría poder seguir amando a mi papa con la misma intensidad que lo hacía cuando tenía 7. September 10th 2021 Quiero explotar, quiero que esto ya no duela mas, quiero desaparecer. Im tired of dealing with ***** that are not mine. I’m tired of people thinking they’re doing me a favor. Yes, I’m having a ****** day. -My feelings? Don’t even talk about them. It’s hard to explain something to someone when you don’t even understand it yourself. They keep pushing me to talk about them like I haven’t tell them already, and they chose to not believe on it, to talk about them like it was nothing, to tell me I made it all up. It’s hard to understand something you haven’t go through, yes, I get it. But it’s not hard to at least try to understand. Comparison is all get, they mock my words and my actions so I chose to shut them all down, but I get yelled at that too. All the nights I’ve gone to bed with tears filling my eyes, all the times I’ve held my tears in public, all the times I’ve felt like I can’t breath any more, I ask myself, is this what they are supposed to make me feel like? Or is just what I deserve? They don’t realize I’m struggling with their words, how much it hurts and how much it burns to hear them all the time, how much their actions hurt, and it hurts even more when “they” are your parents. -I know, I know you’re lying to my face but I don’t say anything. I know you’re lying to everyone but walk like you don’t. I know things anyone else does, but still, I stay shut. I still kiss you I still hug you I still appreciate you But I can’t hold it anymore. Every time you say I’m ungrateful, every time you say I just care about myself, every **** time you talk **** about me, I realize I’m getting hurt, and it shouldn’t be me the one who’s holding your ****. You broke my heart before any boy could. Dad. -I don’t cry because of your pathetic words. I don’t cry because you raised your voice to me. I don’t cry because you’re mad at me. I cry because im filled with so much anger that the only way I can release it without exploding is letting out my tears. I cry because I get hurt by the people who Are supposed to make me happy. I cry because the single feeling of misunderstanding is strong enough to Make me want to **** myself. -I’m myself when I’m around my friends, that’s why you say I look so happy with them but not with you, cause every time I do something the only thing you do is criticize it. That’s all for now, hope you keep those notes. Love you <3