A letter from Sep 23rd, 2021

Hey Teaghan, I'm sitting in the back of the 434 science lab at school, thinking about applying to university and all that fun overwhelming stuff and I thought it would be a good time to send you an email to give you a bit of a past update. I just reread the last future email I sent myself and I had as a goal to be one year clean. Though I'm not exactly a full year, I am exactly ten months, ten days clean. More than I ever expected myself to be able to reach. When I last wrote that email, I was only 2 weeks clean, it's pretty impressive how far someone can come in the midst of a global pandemic and their senior year of high school. I'm going to send this email for 2 years into the future, so I have enough time to forget about this. Isaac is sitting next to me, to my right is Sydney, and in front of me sitting at a lab counter, is Katrielle. I still want to go into psychology, I hope Queen's university works out, it's close enough that I could travel home to see people, but far enough that I can still live my life. I have a couple questions for you, and I'll write my current answer with them so you can have a comparison. I know not all of it will be positive, but people change and I'm sure that you have. I almost don't want to call you "me" because of how old you will be, oh my god, almost 20. Who would you consider your closest friend? Right now, Anna Korobkow is my closest friend. We're both stressed out which can make me feel distanced, but that's kind of the effect of a pandemic. My favourite part of most days is when I go to work with her, when we have good laughs at lunch, but mostly, it's our ride homes on the 7 St-Laurent. Our time on the bus is usually the most personal time of day we get, and I know how much we both value the others company in those moments. What's your biggest fear? My biggest fear is losing myself and everyone I love along with the changes that are to come this year. I'm worried that if I move away my relationships will degrade and I'll never be able to feel a connexion quite like the ones I've had the privilege of experiencing the past couple years. And I wouldn't categorize this as a fear, but I'm worried I won't come to peace with my body and that will limit me to not have relationships, lose my virginity, or fall in love and actually feel totally comfortable sharing myself with someone. Let me know how that one's going :) Lastly, just because my laptop is dying and I have some homework to finish, Are you happy? What is the source of your happiness? I wouldn't describe myself as happy right now. I could call myself content, but happy is too strong of a word for how many breakdowns I have over school, work, and the pandemic. I feel at ease in moments of social context, like working on my last enzyme lab with Sydney, I feel happy listening to music, receiving my promotion to supervisor at work and when my makeup makes me feel pretty. I hope you feel resilient for making it through what your past self fears the most in this current moment. I hope you will be able to see how far you've come and how, no matter the outcome, your past self is proud of you for existing and putting in effort. May you have won the Loran Scholarship and found happiness in its truest form. And a sense of identity along the way, leaving home, distancing and growing close to new people. I wish you nothing but the best, and may you love yourself despite the ease with which we lean towards the opposite. All love, Teaghan.