A letter from Sep 23rd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Right-o, you better have some good answers for me because right now I'm so ******* stressed it's unbelievable honestly!!! You know how you don't like decision making? Well, yeah, it's coming at you full force at the moment. I'm trying to think of things I could potentially want to study at university and careers that I could potentially want to have. Which is proving more difficult that I had thought it would be. So, I was thinking about law, right? I like to help people, I like to read, I like details and research and all sorts of stuff, right? But then yesterday I was speaking to mum about it and I could tell that she didn't think it was a good idea and that it would be bad for me to do that. But more importantly, she asked if I would be able to represent people who I knew were guilty. And see that's where I don't know. Part of me goes: absolutely not, I can't contribute to the world like that, it's ****** enough as it is. And another part of me goes: well, maybe it'd be alright, you could help people and the world is ****** as it is. But that sounds terrible, doesn't it? And anyway, I don't REALLY know that I could represent people that were guilty of horrific things. At the same time, it sounds like it could be something so interesting and so intriguing and I really do like the sound of it. But it's ridiculously expensive and it would require so many years of study and what if mum would be really disappointed in me? And what if I didn't like it? My thoughts were that I could go do a Bachelor's (at Melbourne Uni maybe?) and studying English lit and history and then do law electives to see how I liked it. And then go to law school because that's how it works in most places in Australia. BUT I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's driving me crazy. It's actually driving me mental and I don't know who I can talk to about it because mum mentioned that she understood that I needed to talk about things (because that stupid ******* human design thing told her) but I was exhausting. And I KNOW that I'm exhausting and she does so much for me all the time and she is almost always in pain, I cannot and will not contribute to that. But who do I talk to? Dad is busy and working and not always understanding, though he tries. I can't talk to either of my sisters because they'd be bored out of their minds and Tani has her family now, and Siobhan is my little sister, I should be taking care of HER. Jade has no interest in my uni talk. Mila has other issues and if I lose them I will literally go insane. I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone to talk to who I won't just annoy through the roof. So I'm here, writing to you in five years time when you might be at graduate school or you might have decided that that's enough school for you or who knows! You might be dead! You might be married! Who the **** knows. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know what to do and I so, so hope that when you get this things are better and you are just wishing you could promise me that I'd be alright because I don't feel alright. I don't feel alright and I barely ever feel alright at the moment. Please. I don't know what to do. I meditate. I journal. I exercise. I eat relatively well. I'm pretty much on top of all my schoolwork. I have a loving family. I have a clean room. I have things to do. So what the **** is wrong with me? Please. It's so much. It's too much to deal with. I'm so, so tired. I'm so, so tired. I don't know what to do. And that's why I think I'm so determined to make uni decisions because I want to know what to do. I want to know where I'm going and what I'm aiming for and what the hell I'm at school for. I like school, I mean, you know that. You know that I don't even mind studying and Ash is the most wonderful teacher. But still, it's weird not having something to look to as a career, as a future. You should have known this would happen when you quit ballet, when I quit ballet. You don't exist yet. This is me, me, me. This is all me. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do and I want nothing more than to know what to do and who to be and who I am. Who am I? Annoying, frustrating, talentless, Caitlyn. Right? Boring. I'm boring and I have been boring for years now. What do I bring to the table? I have no special talents. I have nothing. And that's my fault. I thought I worked hard, apparently I need to work harder. Because I feel like my life is falling apart and I am 17 and I feel like things are only going to get more difficult from here and I don't know what to do with that. How do I possibly cope with HARDER? When my brain hates the idea of not having something to latch onto. When I'm mourning the fact that I'm nothing special. Really, maybe I'm just a narcissist. I speak about myself all the ******* time. I'm talking to myself right now. You are me. I am you. And is that narcissistic? To be going to you for help? I don't know. I just know that I don't know what else to do because I don't know who I am. I want to die a bit, not really, but kind of. I just hate existing like this. But I could never do that to my parents. They're too wonderful, I love them too much. They love me, I know that they love me. I love them. I love so many people. I'm going to disappoint them all. What are you doing now in your life? Are things better? Worse? What did you end up studying? Is anyone dead? Have you met Mila? Have you dated someone? (I hate that I wanted to ask that) Where are you living? What are you working as? Did you decided on law? English lit? Zoology or marine biology? Psychology? Something entirely different? What's been happening? Are things still hard? What happened with covid? Do you wish I had made different decisions to the decisions I made a 17 or 18 or 19? What music do you listen to? Have you been to a concert yet? Who do you live with? Do you play any instruments? Have you written a book? Is there anything you love with as much intensity as you loved ballet? What defines you now? Are you okay? Please, please be okay. What have you been reading? What have you been watching? Do you still speak to Jade? Do you still speak to Mila? Do you still speak to Stef? I hope that you've got some good answers for me. I hope that you're happy and doing things that you love. I'm glad that you've gotten to this point, I really am impressed with you and I'm so, so happy that you made it long enough to read this. I am glad you've made it to wherever you have made it and I hope that you are having the best time of your life. I hope things are good and I hope that when you read this, you want to say a positive, "oh, if only you knew what was coming" but like, in a good way, I want good things to come. Sure, it's selfish. But it's true. I do want good things to come. And maybe they will, maybe they won't. You know. I will know one day. All my love, You, Caitlyn, at 17