A letter from Sep 21st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, This is my suicide note. Life started out as a world full of hope, dreams, and wonders. I love my parents. My dad is not showy on his emotions but I can still feel his love and doting when he takes us to school everyday during elementary and high school. I know he's exhausted at work, but he still finds time to bond with us. My mom is the model housewife and is very kind to a fault. I seriously can't live with them. My sisters are my bestfriends. We fight and argue all the time, we say a lot of hurtful words, but at the end of the day, we are still comrades. My close-knit circle of friends, we creatures from down below, are my emotional and mental support. We're like mounts to each other along a very high cliff. We're all scarred, all battered, all tired. We find comfort in each other like peas in a pod of depression. My lover is my safe haven. I have never felt this kind of euphoria when I'm with him. I feel like I can do anything and be anyone I want as long as he backs me up. However, life isn't always sunshine and spring. I can't really explain this black matter in my heart and in my head. It's consuming my inner guts, gripping my heart until it gets too difficult to breath. I don't really remember where and when it started. The feeling of self-hate, hatred against the ones I love the most, hatred against this rotten world. Every time it attacks me internally, I feel my guts twist, my heart clench, and my lungs freeze. I becomes more and more frequent that it became a chronic pain. I became lethargic, not because I want to laze around, but because the depression and anxiety is becoming too heavy to bear. "It's best if I just disappear." My depression wants me dead, but my anxiety fears ***** too much for me to end everything. I almost always ponder what will happen to the world if I am to have the courage to go first. But deep inside I already know that after the eulogy and the funeral, I will be forgotten after a year or two. I'll just be a fond, or not-so-fond, memory of those who continues to choose to stay. I want to quietly fade away like a wilting wild flower in a forgotten shed, but I'm also afraid of not being remembered. These pandemonium of thoughts an emotions are as noisy as a subway train station in the rush hours of a busy day. Will it finally become quiet once I go? Or will I spent eternity being haunted by the sin of not being able to bear the weight of living? I won't be able to share the answer to that to you once I go. But I hope you find solace and peace in this world as I would've also liked to have. I will miss all the people I loved in this lifetime. I sincerely wish for all of you to find your happy place. Signing out, Anonymous