A letter from Sep 17th, 2021

I want to be loved, skinny, confident, smart, and so many more things I am not right now. I am going through a little rough patch right now but before I go forward and complain, I want to say the things I am grateful for. I am thankful for my family, they are the reason why I am able to go to college, shop for what I want and need, and they made me into the strong individual I am. I am thankful for the things that I have, my home, the food in my fridge, the car that I drive, the people I meet everyday, the job that I have right now, and there is so much more to be grateful for. I am thankful for my physical body, for sticking with me even though I put it through so much bad ****. Thank you to the most High, God, Allah, Yahweh, and whatever name you know it by. Thank you for this experience that you have allowed me to have and for me to continuing experiencing and understanding the human experience. I am not where I want to be right now, I am currently 270lbs and it doesn't seem like I want to lose weight either. I am just so hungry that I want to eat everything and I have no impulse control. I feel like I have brain fog because of the way I am treating my body and I don't give my body enough nutrients that it needs. I've been skipping the gym and something in me doesn't want to go back and that terrifies me. Currently, I am craving a relationship and wanting physical intimacy with a man who desires and respects me and I want to desire and respect him back. I know during this time I need to give myself extra love and grace. I can feel the inner child in me being sad and scared because I am treating her like other people treated her, like shes unworthy and needs to prove herself ten times more than others because she's bigger which makes her less worthy. I love you Heidi, I am so proud of you and where you were and who have you become. You have accomplished so many things and done so many things for others, you are so beautiful. But that doesn't change the fact that I know you want to be better too. I'm sorry that I've been harsh with you but I know we both want better and I did things in the wrong way. I apologize and I'm sorry. This anger and hurt that you feel, I want you to use it for fuel, use it to become the person you've always wanted to become. Be who you want to be and not what other people decide or think of you as. Be a smart, charming, mysterious, bubbly, confident, graceful, and kind person that you've always wanted to become. Show up as her everyday and she's within you wanting to burst out. Care for each other, the scared little girl and the strong woman who are both inside of you. You shall blossom into the most beautiful woman you've known. How are we doing Heidi? Please write back :) -H.K.G, 23 years old, September 17th, 2021