A letter from Sep 17th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, hi. this will be so out of the blue haha sorry so I was watching the show *** Education, ep 7ish and I don't remember now what triggered it, it's 3am rn, been a busy and productive day (very), but I... a bit embarrassing, sorry, I got to thinking about, how partners can masterbate and idk why but so the crush...kinda figure in my life has been the guy from Kolkata who's 3 years (maybe 4 I'm not sure) younger than me it's so stupid. but I thought of him doing *that* and I'd always thought (actually hadn't given it much thought but ASSUMED) that a partner doing that would be normal or maybe a bit.. negative? idk the word (again, it's 3am after a long day rn heh) but I was surprised to note that in fact I felt positive and good about it if it's him then I immediately felt so bad. I don't know! this is so ******* confusing! he's a kid! not even a legal adult yet! how is richelin dating sehaj how did she do it oh my god AND u know the worst part?! he's asexual! hahha wow I'm so lucky right?!!!! the first guy I really like, isn't interested in dating me (really good friends now tho but nvm that cuz I'm wallowing rn!!!!!) the second guy is a bABY WHY GOD WHY WILL I BE A 22YO VIRGIN WTF not saying 21 cuz there's already no chance of that :)))))) wow awesomeeee thanks covid. plus seeing all these happy and healthy relationships in schitts creek and *** education and friends and parks & rec GOSH I wanna experience it even the bad/low points iwant to be mature in dealing with it and give myself a chance to feel ALL of that ****. I'm way too angry now g'night.