A letter from Sep 14th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, How are you? I know you won't remember the state in which I am writing this. I am scared. This might be the lowest I have felt in years & I hope it will the lowest. I hope you are happy with where you are. I don't know if things will get better or not but because of your obsession with time, I am writing this. Time changes things and yet it doesn't. You are different than I am, or at least I hope so. I hope you see someone, talk to someone. I hope you aren't as clogged as I am right now. I know you are looking at me through your memories. 5 years is a big time and yet nothing. You would have finished your degree by now, where are you? Which country, which place? Where I imagine you to be? Or somewhere better? Or somewhere happier? Are you with someone? Are with the any of uni "friends"? (you know why i put the inverted commas, hopefully it has changed?) what about school friends, all you are adults now. I mean i am adult now too, but you'll be more you know (you'll be 27 you see). What about your Internet friend? (you know you only have one, amazing how strangers are the most closest) too many questions sorry. It's very difficult for me to see where you are rn, let me guess, on a bed/sofa/chair sitting mindlessly browsing through your phone to escape reality? I don't know if your successful (your or others definition of it) but I hope you are satisfied with it, and not looking down on yourself. I know whatever you are, depends on me. I hope I worked hard to make you happy, I hope I haven't disappointed you. You deserve better. I hope I worked on my bad habits to make you better, to at least give you a healthier body. I hope you find friends, like friend-friend not colleagues. I hope you are living a life you missed out on. I am already having quarter-life crisis you pretentious ********, do you have any midlife crisis now? Still into Dostoyevsky, Camus? Reading & philosophy in general? Remember the book thief, anxious people? This is so **** whatever I have written, I know you are more hopefully and better than me. Remember to love yourself a little more. I don't even know what to write. I hope I haven't wasted everything. Maybe this isnt for you, maybe this is for me, just thinking out loud, maybe I just needed to write this down, but do reply to me. I am still scared but "in the end, we all die"