A letter from Sep 13th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Hey future self, I don't know what I want in life right now. Who I am or really anything. To sum it all up, I'm lost. SO LOST. I'm hoping you maybe have that fixed, but Who knows, knowing me, I'm probably still stuck in the same place, which I hope isn't the case. Right now, I'm dealing with school and crazy emotions. I'm still trying to figure stuff out. I know many people say, "I'm so lost, I don't know what I want to do in the future." I never thought that path would feel so lonely. Actually isolating. I can't identify my emotions. I can admit I'm dealing with depression. Maybe I am, I don't know. My anxiety isn't making it any better. Then I don't know If I'm ready for a relationship. I fantasize about how it would be, and I picture what I see in movies. I know it won't be that, but It's something I want. I don't know If I'm ready. I haven't been, and you gotta be in one to get experience. I think I would be terrible at it. I'm used to be by myself. I may not like it, but it's what I'm used to. Not to say that I feel lonely all the time, but when I do, the fact that I'm actually alone doesn't help. Also the I feel the pressure. School Just started, and I'm already feeling like this, and I feel tied to this path. Like I'm tied to a train track, and the train is coming, the train signifying the money dedication, unrealistic expectations. I'm writing this in a weird fit. Not sure what it is. I should be doing my English homework. Anyways I feel like I'm not getting what I want out of life. It just keeps throwing curveballs at me, and when I try to recover, I get hit again, and the wind gets knocked out of me. Then trying to get back again, but at a certain point, it gets tiring. So much goes on in my head, and no one listens. I tried, but they don't care, or it seems like it doesn't. I listen to them because I care about them. I love them. It just breaks my heart that sometimes it feels like they don't love me, and I'm a bother. It makes it hard to recover. Then when I say something or address their faults, I'm to blame for the mistake or being the bad person. Then sometimes I think maybe I am... Maybe they're right. I don't love myself. How can I expect someone else to? It's the sad reality. Oh wow, the ongoing battle in my brain. Like ahhhhhhh. I sometimes don't want to be in my mind. Sometimes I want to take a step back and take a breather. It is cruel to me. I know I'm unpacking quite a bit, not the whole thing, of course, but a certain amount. Sorry, I didn't know who to turn to. At this time in my life, I feel like I have no one. No one bats an eye to wonder how I'm doing. But I can't put the whole blame on people. I have to take some responsibility for what I'm unsure of, but I know I must be for something. I feel like I was a year ago. The progress I made, down the drain. Sorry for the letdown. I don't know why I hate myself so much. I'm sorry I can't give you the love you need and deserve. This is my sorry card. I used to throw that word a lot. Then some people hurt me, and I stopped using the word. And not using it when I needed to use it. I feel so worn out. Like I had nothing much to give anymore. I feel so broken. I feel crazy. Because sometimes I don't understand what's going on in my mind. That I'm just a guest in my own mind. This did not go the way I wanted. The songs I'm listening to kind of effect that. Maybe it just made it flow out easier. -The **** next door "Hey, don't forget to enjoy life ****. You only get one shot. Time is the most precious currency we own because we can never get it back, so be careful who you spend it on." " I'll try. " *has an Existential crisis Okay, I just asked Siri what existential crisis is, and she said " could be tied to depression" like bruh. Note: Please don't make fun of me; I already feel pathetic. Don't add to it. I'm hoping for something good. Easier said than done. The reason I'm putting this public is because,