A letter from Sep 8th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, This is a letter I'm sending to 5 years ahead, and that makes me pretty anxious and scared at the same time. In a world we are dying to get the luxurious stuff, I wake up to think that we are all humans and future is the most scary thing ever. We all are humans aka grenades. We all will blow up sometime and make everyone around pretty sad. Pretty pretty sad. I can't stop thinking about how ***** will chase me and everyone around. I can't stop thinking how I'm gonna lose the people I love. The thought itself makes me wanna cry. Maybe I've never been the strongest kind. Tonight, as I'm writing this letter, my lovely brother, mother and cat are asleep. I love them, just the way they are and despite the storms that have taken place in this family. And I get sad for the potential of losing them. I can't stand the thought of losing them and I'm tired of not even writing these fears into journals. It's true, I can't handle life. I'm a stranger after all, I don't get life. I'm emotionally immature and I cannot understand ***** at all. If in the next 5 years, you face with any kind of catastrophes like that, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. But just remember this, dear self, this is not something that we can stop thinking about or at least when we think about it, it's so obvious, we can't change it. So just like you do know and just like I do know, the best thing would be to seize the day and spend the present wisely. Not for the money that won't even mean a thing compared to these invisible bonds. Spend the time to love the people you have in your life, spend time for them, spend time for your well being and your self improvement. Spend time for something you find valuable. Work for something valuable. Life is too short to waste time. Today I got a message from my father, giving me the news, telling me that he's getting married, inviting me to his wedding. I got mad at first, then the madness left and I was left with the sadness. Shall I be mad or shall I be sad? For a father, that I have lost long ago or never even gained. He was there physically but was always absent mentally. Never knew I had a father at all, that part of me will always stay hidden and hurt. Then he messages me time to time, after their divorce, inviting me to his wedding. I kinda wanted to ask, do you also want a wedding present dear dad? No calling, no texting, it's so obvious you are starting a new life, and again never including us, as if you could. The problem was that, the whole situation was making it worse. I used to think that, it was okay not to have a father mentally, for a father who is always absent, maybe I would never need to worry about his ***** at least. I was totally wrong. This time the fear of regret came into the scene. I wanted to yell at him for all that he did, for his cowardice and nonsense but I couldn't. I couldn't say a word because I knew the moment I say these hurtful words, I was gonna be the one who's hurt for the rest of it. So I didn't speak at all. I can't speak at all. But in this reality, I think about ***** everyday and yes, maybe this life is not for me but I haven't chosen it anyway. And we all know, fear itself doesn't do any good at all. It's useless. If you are trapped, fear won't get you out of there. And here I am trapped, thinking about what's gonna happen in the future, knowing the answer. And trying to hold on to everything that I love.