A letter from Sep 7th, 2021

I have many things to tell you. To begin with, you are engaged. You got your first kiss, your first caresses and your first butterflies in the stomach. Funny how talking about him makes me extremely happy. Just the thought of being able to touch him makes me euphoric. I don't know what love is, I don't know how there are married couples. How can you put up with a person and his habits for the rest of his life? For you nothing is forever and this is clear. However, every touch, every simple touch of lips is like touching the sky with a finger. Every word, every look, provokes in me an emotion I've never felt with anyone before, which I call "the desire to stay". Want to live your days next to that person, despite all his flaws. Because admitting it, there are no flaws in what you see with the eyes of your heart. There are no words to describe what you feel. There are no ways to understand fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, and shaky legs. There are no ways, there are no words, only facts that lead you to believe in the existence of love. As for friends. You always have a close circle, you never spread out. Like your way of doing, you always prefer to do what is strictly necessary until they provoke your skills and your knowledge, there you decide to finally get involved. Daria and Sveva. Let's start from the first, precisely. Initially binding was complex. The words were not spontaneous but monosyllables after long minutes of awkward silence. After a short time, however, there was a development, the relationship has definitely improved and what was previously a deathly silence has turned into a million laughs out loud, with tears in eyes and a sore belly. What I keep and what I notice in Daria is the desire - jaunty but not too much - to do. What he does must make sense, it must have a purpose, a why. Ambitious, very determined and who easily reaches her goals regardless of the obstacles that surround her. Let's talk now about the last but not least. Sveva. Sveva has always been in my life, perhaps this is why it derives from our overwhelming telepathy or our common interests, both in the musical and cultural fields. We have never had ups and downs. I have always thought that Sveva was the soul of the group, the not super rational one and who always tries to see things in a carefree way. Soon after, I realized that I hadn't focused on the main characteristics of her personality at all. Sveva is fragile, she has an armor and she doesn't show it, she is sensitive. She is intuitive, she is quick, optimistic, tenacious. A real force of nature if we want to put it that way. It is rational, mature. Always a chance for anyone because she does not like to fight but at the same time would put discord with anyone who hurt her. This is what I noticed in the two. A simple girl who does not care about the judgment of others and one who is always fair, with everyone. I love the two of them, a good that comes from the soul and I would never get tired of all this, at least for now. I didn't want to get to this part of the story, but this is a letter in which I have to write everything, so I'll also talk about my family - albeit roughly -. I don't like to face problems, I like to escape from them and maybe this is something that my mother has always tried to throw at me. Obviously I did the reverse. From her teachings, however, I drew treasure, even if I never said it. In fact, even if I don't say it often, or at least I only say it as a joke, I love her. Despite our constant ups and downs, although I don't think she understands me, even though I am sometimes against her, I love her. I love my mother. I have always been told to look like my father, for his way of treating people, my way of being a hothead, my determination that sometimes comes out, my character ... in short, everything. I have never found similarity between me and him, only a love and hate relationship but lately we have bonded more, or at least I only notice it. We bonded more and I'm happy because being told I look like him makes me happy, looking like one of the many people I admire makes me happy. Deep down, I love my father too. Then there is my brother, I don't have much to say about him, ever since with a simple reassuring smile he managed to calm me down completely. Despite our quarrels, our hands up and the behaviors of my childhood, the good I love him will never, ever change. I love my family, taken for granted as a thing but I will never prove it. It's been a long time since you tried to commit suicide. It's been almost two months, can you believe it? Go from being completely unstable to slowly starting to walk again. I remember that day, it was the worst day of my life. For the first time mom saw the scars, I guess you can't even forget that. You felt completely empty and the tears threatened to come out. You were so lonely, vulnerable, just like you are now. I hope you have not changed, your sensitivity amazes me but sometimes people take advantage of it and I hope you have already understood, now that you are in high school. High school is a big word. I almost bet you still can't look people straight in the eye, or you don't say what you really think, although sometimes you do it without thinking and that makes you mean, because sometimes you end up offending people. I have always thought I was weak, but I have always hidden this; an armor supported by a billion insecurities that just wanted to get out. I never understood my character, you know? I can never get a clear idea of ​​what is going through my head because what prevails are my intrusive thoughts, my insecurities, my social anxiety, my complexes that lead me to show what I am not really. I also have always considered myself a mature person, but lately I feel like the exact opposite. Why do I take it even for the little things? Why can't I forgive people just like a mature person would? Maturity also consists in this, right? Forgiving a person realizing that she too is human and that we all make mistakes for better or worse. But you know what? this is the first step towards maturity. Realizing that you are wrong, wanting to improve yourself. So do you know what it is? Let's do it too. Promise me that you have improved, promise me that you have become a person who looks people straight in the eye and who does not escape problems. Promise me not to get angry about anything, even if I find it difficult because you like to get angry and I know, but it's not mature. Beyond that, promise me not to think about suicide anymore. Promise me to enjoy life for every single second, just like you wanted to do as a child you dreamed so much of being able to jump off that balcony and take flight. Promise me to be a person who knows good from evil and who will NEVER, NEVER be duped or manipulated by anyone else. Life is yours, it has been given to you, please live it. Live it as you like, but live it. - love, m