A letter from Sep 1st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, right now im procrastinating doing my work because whenever it gets too hard I end up crying and then giving up recently I've started to research why my heart hurts whenever I talk about biology is it because I feel like a failure I often wonder why I chose it as one of my a-levels I have never been the type of person to ever put in much effort especially into science when I look at myself I see somebody who is putting on a front and I'm so used to it I've convinced myself everything will be fine if I just push it to the back of my mind. I hate feeling like this I have no passion for anything I don't aspire to do anything in the future either I'm lazy I just want to stay at home and read and do work that only lasts for a day and I can forget the next. I want someone to tell me oh this is what you should do here is an opportunity I want someone to hold my hand every step of the way. But that won't happen so I come to a standstill. Im not depressed because I suppress my emotions I'm not physically suicidal because I'm scared of going to hell or disappointing anyone, But I know mentally I'm not ok. What is wrong with me then I feel as though I have been given everything I'm not sick or unable to do anything so why do I feel like this. I have emotions I cry I scream I laugh but why do I feel like there is something missing. I want to go to the future and see how I become. My maladaptive daydreaming is getting harder and harder to overcome, Why can't I be that Rayaan the one who has her life together. Often I think about things that I know are wrong things as what if I had a near-***** experience or I was raped or I got cancer... I know I should never think of those things but if it did happen to me at least could use it as an excuse as to why I'm such a **** up. Are you happy with your life did you finally find something you love or did we just go for the easiest option? I hope I find my truth in the future. I hope I can read this and laugh and cry at how scrambled my brain is. I hope I find/found self-love From Past Rayaan to you I love you and you are enough