A letter from Sep 1st, 2021

First month of September and first day of the month that I feel so depress I thought I will start this month with a smile but it turns out I start this month with a feeling of giving up any moment. I in the burge of crying and my eyes are red now. There are people who will embarass you to other even you don't do anyting wrong. Also my birthday is near and I'm turning 18 I want to be mad at my mother because she chose her lover over me. This is a once in a life time event. I want to celebrate my birthday with my love ones and friends and have a short program like 18 roses and candles but my mom have no plan to contact the place where my birthday will be celebrated althought my birthday is still on the end of the month but what if other people already reserve it what will I do? I already give my invitation card because she said yes in the first place and now? I don't know anymore. I wanted to cry to shout and to harm myself but when I'm in the urge of doinf it I'm stopping myself. I don't want my godmother and her evil mother see me crying and do anything that can harm myself. I dont want them to be more angry to me. I just want someone who can understand me and be my side. I want to go home, I really want to, I dont want to be here in my godmothers house. I want to be with my brother and sister even its hard for us I want us to be reunited. They are not making me feel like I'm a family here, they are making me feel like a maid who will do anyting they want and serve them. I want to rest. I've been here for 2 years and counting. It's really hard I cant cry because I dont have my own room. I'm sleeping in the sofa and my things are in the bathroom. I wanted to yell and to shout at them but I know the word respect and be grateful but in my situation my perspective is changing. I know God has a better plan for me but I'm too tired already. If you all know the hardships and difficulties I've been throught you will understand me. I just thought that I didn't choose to live. There are other people who are competetive to live If I just can give my life to them.....Please someone help me to pass this throught :))) -Ikaisha 2021