A letter from Aug 30th, 2021

I hope by the time this comes back to me, I will have moved forward. Matt, I need to write this letter, even though I will never send it. Sending something like this would be confusing, and weird, and the purpose of this is really not to shake up your life, but rather to help me figure out mine. The issue is that I keep having dreams about you. Every time it happens, I feel so confused. My mom has spoken of regret, and this is something I never really understood until now. I desperately want to go back in time, and have a re-do of so many moments. Like, 1.) That night at your apartment. I was too immature to know what I wanted, but I was also scared. I used Anna as an excuse to run away from my feelings and you. 2.) Dinner in Malibu. This was the last time we really spent time together. You told me you loved me. I ruined it. I went to the bathroom and threw up. Again, too immature. 3.) Trips to Vegas (too many to count). I wanted to see you so badly. I should have demanded you meet me somewhere. I wanted to talk to you, to see you. To give you a hug. And honestly, I wanted you. All of you. Jesse and I were broken up on many of those trips- I was available and I wanted you. You later told me you were embarrassed about the Malibu dinner. I understand, but I wish I had forced us to push that aside to move forward.  I'm just so fed up. I see you on Instagram with your girlfriend- you look really happy. From what I've gathered, you've purchased a house in the mountains- it looks incredible. I'm so, so happy for you. I feel like I'm mourning.. like there's been a loss. OF WHAT THOUGH. We were never together. The timing was always off. I didn't stand up for what I wanted when I wanted it, and you didn't either.  On the other hand, this feels absolutely crazy of me. I doubt you think about me anymore.. I would feel bad if you did. I really need to let this go. I think this is only my issue now. I honestly can't even believe it- it's April 13, 2021 now, and I wrote this letter yesterday. Yesterday, you announced your engagement. I want to be happy for you- but, I can't help feeling sad. I wished you congratulations, which was sincere, but I feel like there's been a ***** of something now. I need to move on. And of course now, I'm sending this into the void called the internet on August 30, 2021. I literally just got back from a weekend trip in Vegas. Thought of you often while I was there. I still miss you. I hope I can let this go eventually. Love, Daisy