A letter from Aug 29th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Today when I listened to Allison by Soccer Mommy it finally made sense to me. At first I thought maybe it just meant that I was off to better things, and I was letting someone down simply because they weren’t my priority. but then I realized that it represented the loneliness felt in a relationship. Not because the person isn’t there for you, but because you aren’t there for yourself. They want you but you just can’t understand how because you don’t feel whole. You try so hard but you’re not even in the water and you can’t love the same because how could you honestly love if you don’t even love yourself. “Put down your sword. Give up what you’re fighting for.” Feels so much like self sabotage and jeopardizing good things simply because it’d hurt less if you did the damage. You want so hard to have something else in your life worth anything and you wait for your own train because all you wanted was just to feel like you had something good to live for. You want to love but everyday just feels like a coin toss of emotion and maybe if I just fixed myself I could finally be happy but I’m not and I’m waiting for my time to come. I’m 17 with no true friends and no future plans. I hope when I read this I won’t understand