A letter from Aug 27th, 2021

Friday, 27 August 2021 Hi Alana You're writing this letter from what feels like the lowest point of your life. It is 2021, and you're in Melbourne's sixth lockdown due to the Coronavirus pandemic. This year you started speaking to a psychologist about your depression and anxiety, and you really enjoyed therapy. You loved the opportunity to reflect and grow, and you were doing really well until last week. Last week, you were told that your dream of doing Employment Law at Ashurst was over. You came to this firm to do this work, and you honestly gave it absolutely everything you could, and you worked so so hard. They didn't want you, or fight for you. Disputes did (thought it is so far removed from what you want that you have been crying hysterically for a week now). Only a handful of people know, and they have been very supportive, but you still wake up every day and have to remind yourself that your worst nightmare came true, and you need to pull yourself together every single day to function. And in three days, everyone will know. People will probably ask questions and that gives you anxiety, and a deep stirring in the pit of your stomach. The truth is, this really hurts. You worked so hard and really did everything you could at the time, short of reading the minds of white middle aged men who, frankly, made the wrong decision. You know that you had so much potential and passion, and you would have made that team and this firm an amazing place. But today, you feel absolutely lost. Your future is not longer what you thought it would be. You had everything worked out - a career at a market leading firm, with your best friends Alicia and Rojeene, working on the best employment work out there. You were so proud too, because you legitimately never believed you were good enough to be here, and you had been validated that you were. The people who took your dream away from you always told you that you were perfect - thorough, passionate, engaged, enthusiastic and smart. But it wasn't enough, which echoes all the doubts you had every single day in the lead up to this decision. You're a bit unclear on the next steps. You are going to Disputes in two weeks. The partner there, Lucinda Hall, really likes you, and you know she will be a great mentor to you. Its the engagement you've always wanted from a mentor. But your heart is telling you, or screaming at you rather, that you don't want to give up on yourself and your dreams. You know, deep down, that you have what it takes to make it work, but you're so scared of leaping and failing again. So you have an interview at Allens on Monday. Who knows whether it will work out, but you're going to prepare over the weekend and give it your best. You never ever expected, in your life, that you would interview at Allens. You want this so so bad - you jumped at the opportunity to submit your CV there because it is honestly something so far above the ceiling you put over yourself to protect your dreams from becoming failures. I think the reason why you're so upset about Ashurst is because it feels like such an intense failure. It stings you in every part of your body - your brain (because you think you're not smart enough and that's why this has happened), your heart (because you honestly love what you did in that team and felt so connected), and in your spirit (because it was already a little bit broken this year and this has really left it in tatters). I really hope you have rebuilt yourself, Alana. You have a lot of love to give. You're a good person, deep down, and a good friend. You are a really hard worker, and you love to grow and learn. You feel absolutely broken, and you are sobbing through writing this, so obviously your mental health and spirit means a lot to you. I hope that by the time you read this, things feel better for you. There are good things in your life: 1. Your boyfriend Emir is a really beautiful soul. He is calm and ambitious and really loves you. You fight sometimes, about protecting each other's space and hearts, but there is so much love there, both ways, and you desperately hope that you can cut through all the noise and have a very long and happy and wholesome love with him. 2. You love to read. You've read 63 books this year, which is honestly so ******* amazing, and you should be proud to have dedicated so much time and energy to a positive habit. Your goal is 100 - its ambitious but it can be achieved. 3. For the first time in your life, you've found your people. Stephen is your best friend. You are such different people but he feels like home to you. He will have the most incredible life, and you know you will be best friends until you die, no question. You feel so aligned to Alicia that there is no other explanation other than that she is your soulmate and she came to you just in time for many of your historical friendships to fall apart. She sees you for exactly who you are, good and bad, and she loves you still. You feel so safe in this friendship. You love her so much because she entertains your reflectiveness, she appreciates your forward nature, and because she is genuinely one of the most beautiful people you have ever met in your life. You feel such a deep connection to her that you can't explain. You are very different people - she is sweet and positive and peaceful, and you are far more cynical and depraved but somehow, you fit. She is the closest thing to a sister that you have. You want to fiercely protect her like you would yourself. That is something you never ever thought you would feel for someone, and you are so grateful that Ashurst brought you together. Your friendship with Alicia is truly the only thing you are absolutely sure of in your life. Your other person is Rojeene. Rojeene is just like you in some ways - she says things how they are, and she is deeply suspicious of humans (which you really admire) but she really cares about you and has a big big heart with so much empathy. She is an incredibly smart person, and has overcome so much in her life to be the woman she is now. She has had an upbringing with similar emotional pressures to you, and it feels so great to be seen and understood in this way. She is someone you want in your life because she will always tell you the truth and that is really important to you. Also, Emir really likes Jack and that makes you smile. 4. You love your mum so much. At this moment, your mum has just started brokering and she seems to love it. She bought a thermomix this week and you're loving doing these things together. You hope to have a relationship that is a little bit more light and fluffy into the future, because currently it is a bit tense but you're both doing your best. She has been amazing this week in supporting you, and you're so grateful. She is a really amazing woman - so kind and energetic and (she will hate this so much but) messy! Just a hot mess! But you love her so much, and you're just like her in so many ways. 5. You love your grandparents. Zia and Zio, Nonna and Nonno are all alive. You had a beautiful upbringing because of them. Nonno is currently on end of life care and it breaks your heart to see him deteriorate like this. Nonna is devastated but wants him to be peaceful. Zia and Zio are amazing and you have a really strong relationship with them. You don't realise how old they are, and how every moment you have with them is precious. They bring you so much joy and love, and you desperately hope and pray that they are around to meet your children and love them in the way they loved you. 6. Your puppy, Frankie, has saved you. He has given you purpose every day, and he makes you feel somewhat whole. You absolutely love walking him, and cuddling him. He is currently lying on your bed behind you, sleeping and snoring while you work as he does every single day. He loves you so much, and never wants to leave your side. He is so special to you and nobody will ever ever understand how meaningful he is to you. You are terrified to move out because you will be apart from Frankie. 7. You are a really admired person. I think people admire you because you just keep going - you are personable and warm and funny, but also very fierce and loyal. Nobody really knows how sad you are - you keep that very close to yourself though you do let people in sometimes. For you, sharing vulnerability does not even scratch the surface of how sad you are, but externally not a lot of people know or see it. 8. You have saved a lot of money in 18 months. You started the grad program with a maxed out credit card, Afterpay and $100 in your bank account. You now have a house deposit, and you're so proud. You don't love living at home, and you feel like you're being suffocated a lot of the time, but hopefully it won't be much longer before you can have a space of your own. You desperately crave it. I would ordinarily have written some goals but they honestly feel broken at the moment, so here are some forecasts for the future: 1 year - You have a new job that you LOVE and you know everything happened for a reason. You still read. You are mentally well. You have moved out and you occupy your own space and you absolutely love it. 3 years - You and Emir live together and have a very happy life. Maybe you're engaged? Huge. 5 years - You are happy, Alana. So happy. You are the person you want to be and you're so proud of 2021 you for pushing through the depths of your depression to keep living and breathing and fighting and moving so you could be here. Maybe you're a Senior Associate? Maybe you're married? Maybe you're pregnant? Maybe you're just healthy and happy and that's more than enough, to be honest. Its all you can hope for future you, because it feels so far away right now. Wherever you are - I just hope it is one percent better than it is right now. You have everything you need to be happy already within you, you just have to cut through the darkness and noise now, and everything will be okay. I desperately want to believe that, and I know you can do it. I love you. I'm sorry that I've mentally abused you so much this week. You're a beautiful person, and you deserve the absolute world, Alana. Good bye for now, and good luck. You have everything you need within you. Love, Alana xxx