A letter from Aug 20th, 2021

Dear Aya, It's been a long time,I hope when you read this, you are okay. You are not sad, or anxious, or scared. I hope you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish. I can only hope, for I don't know what the future holds. I know how you’re feeling. I know the exhaustion that stretches across your skin and the emptiness returning to your chest after a long year. It has been a long one. You’ve survived so much. I know you want to huddle in bed right now instead of writing this, but I also know you ache to be remembered. You yearn to be longed for. You want people to see and know you. You hope to be that person for them—a person worth loving. You’ve changed. You entered this year on uncertain feet, without any direction, and you leave this year with more scars and more purpose. You’ve been humbled. You’ve opened your heart and had it crushed, opened your heart and had it seen. You’ve seen vulnerability and betrayal, grief and broken spirits. You’ve cried in a doctor’s office and alone on your bedroom floor. You’ve sat in a therapist’s office and heard her say this will probably last your whole life. You cried again and you let go. You don’t have to try so hard. The pain is not your fault. The pain is not a character flaw or a quick fix. You don’t have to blame yourself for it or pretend it’s not there. Feel it. It’s OK to feel. Feeling takes strength. It’s OK to be in pain. It’s OK to say you’re in pain. But always remember: You are not your pain. You are living with pain, but the pain is not everything. The pain is, but you are more.