A letter from Aug 18th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I just turned 21. It’s my birthday today. I honestly didn’t see myself making it to this age. I haven’t made any plans past now because living is so so hard. Had things turned out differently I would’ve been sitting in a bar with my friends drinking into the night. Instead I’m in my house on my living room floor crying... but it’s not so bad.. Bear is here with me, remember her? Now that I am here I have to ask myself; now what? I have stared into the abyss for so long I fear I have become it. There is no brightness in my future, there is no good in me, left to keep going. My mother certainly doesn’t think so, I don’t think anyone does honestly. Except for maybe my boyfriend, God, when you read this years from now I really really hope you’re married to him. It would be too cruel to have met him only to be a life lesson. He’s the only one actively trying to keep you here, please please for us I hope you didn’t **** it up. That’s the only reason I’ve been holding out for so long, my boyfriend who I would be traumatizing by ending it. And my cat who will wait for me by the door only to never show up. As dumb of a reason as that is.. it’s enough to make me stay. I hope this time in my life is a distant memory by the time I get this. I hope I’ll be in a happier place where I might be able to actually experience life. When I get this.., if I get this. If not that’s okay too. Writing this has distracted me enough to stop my crying so I actually do feel better. So happy birthday to me! One down many more to go? - a you from a time you’d like to forget.