A letter from Aug 17th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I don't even know how to begin with this one. I'm ***, I have a boyfriend, I love him, I'm pretty certain I'm transfem. I haven't a clue what I'm ***** look like in the future, now. But there's so many possibilities, they are tantalizing. Am I going to go back to Chicago? It almost seems inevitable as that is there for me, and will enable me to have a future in which I have the time I want to do what I want. Wolf talks about getting a big plot of land in undeveloped Cali and living there. We joke about how it's kinda like Rajneeshparam. Is it a joke? ****, man. Idk how the world is going to look in 30 years. Life is terrifyingly, insultingly short. What can we do to make a good life for ourselves and for those we care about? Yesterday was kind of a big impasse. Both Alison and Wolf are afraid of becoming second in my mind. Yeah, this is in my journal (Mystery of the Laughing Shadow) and I should find and re-read this stuff. But at the end of it I ended up becoming uncertain if I wanted to continue with my marriage with Alison. It just wrecked everything. Idk what to do now. I think Wolf's deal is trauma from a previous relationship. His partner asked him to open up the relationship, then ****** around with flings and never wanted time with him again. I still don't know what to make of that night 8/8/21. Is that going to influence me to do incredible, impossible things? Or am I going to forget about it and live an unremarkable life? I hope it's the former. I really do. It's up to you, person I will become. Be incredible. Take risks. Speak truth and love. Lexi