A letter from Aug 10th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I hated change, I fear change, the idea of everything around me being temporary never made me comfortable for what sense. I was so scared of it that the younger me did all her best to keep the things they were because they made me feel safe, but getting tired of that, I slowly let it be; that does not guarantee I stop thinking about what would happen in the future and cry to myself in anxiousness every night with a dedicated playlist tuning on the background. So it felt so emptying realizing what I was doing. My actions opposed my thoughts, and how funny would it be if the changes I hated were caused by my own choices? Recalling everything, I noticed how often I tried new hobbies, never following a consistent routine, or just all in all try things that are new to me. As I feel the need to explore, I too despise the thought of journey. The piano sheets lined up, outlined, practicing the same notes everyday but also adding new pieces I could play. I feel like I need to finish that piece, but also it bores me to play it again and again that I eventually stop midway and play a different one. I find a piece, I practice it everyday, I find another piece, I practice the first one so I could master it, I get tired of it, I stop halfway, I practice the other one everyday, I find another new piece, and the cycle goes on and on. It's scaring me. The conflict inside me is so confused, I don't know what I'm doing. Can both thoughts coexist at the same time? If no, then ****. And if yes, then also ****, because honestly, I do not think I can live with a mindset like this, I feel like I have a backbone of a twig. But if I think it through, my hatred for change is just the fear of moving on while leaving behind the things that I swore was part of me and finding unknown things; and my desire for new things, maybe it's just an escapism to deceive my brain that I am moving forward with my life but the truth is I don't even know if I can stand. In a life full of journey, crossroads that meet temporary people and things. I can't see my finish line, I'm sitting in the middle of an intersecting road, ready to accept whatever comes from the dark, but not wanting to choose a path. I'm stuck, but at the same time, I am not. This is something that I furiously typed with a blank face, 2 am, on a site I found. To you, reading this years from now, please tell me you've got life figured out. And don't, don't chop your hair without planning ever again. Promise me, I'm holding out a pink right now so pinky out miss ma'am! That's a promise.