A letter from Aug 5th, 2021

Dear 23-year-old Lam Trà, How are you doing? I’m you, but 5 years younger. It’s weird writing a letter to myself but honestly, I’m a mess right now. I want you to read the thoughts that your younger self wrote. For now, I can’t really imagine how you’d feel reading this but here you go: Not too long ago, mom asked me about my closest family member. At that point, I didn’t really have an answer. But now, I do. There’s none. Mom is the easiest to talk to. But she tells everyone everything, which is why I don’t trust her with my real thoughts. Brother has always lived far away, far apart too. There’re times when I feel like I’m the only kid in the family. I barely know anything about him and he too, knows nothing about me, personality-wise. And then, there’s my father. Father is an average worker who earns so little that he can barely support the family. Being financially-dependent means having the lesser voice in the household. Plus his limited knowledge about pretty much everything, my dissapointment towards that man has only increased as I continue to grow. I’ve always felt somewhat ashamed about my father, not only his occupation but also his personality. I don’t want him to know too much details about my personal life, don’t like having my friends talking to him or about him, don’t wanna be seen with him in public places. There’s a reason why I love “Người lái đò Sông Đà” so much, especially hình tượng ông lái đò. He’s the epitome of the saying “Nghề nghiệp nào cũng đáng quý. Ai cũng là một nghệ sĩ trong công việc của họ.” Honestly, that very sentence has changed my entire point of view about my forth-coming choice about my major in university. It gave me a reason to love that artwork, to for once, be proud of my father. Love is confusing. I have lived with my family every since I could remember. I feel at ease and off-guard around them, well, most of them. And I was kinda relieved, to finally to have a reason to feel proud about my father or at least not to be embarassed because of him. I know, I’m a horrible person. I want to empathize that I truly care for my father’s well-being and I’m scared thinking about the day I’ll lose him. I hope that this will justify for my thoughts. Or not 🥲! But yet again, I really don’t feel like loving him. Maybe it’s because I’m still a little bird who have never really left her nest. Maybe it’s the generation gap, not every father and daughter gets along well. I really hope that’s the case. I desperately want a reason why I don’t feel any love for the male person who gave birth to me. When I entered high school, I started to separate myself from my family, started to shut my mouth, less talking, more doing. Things got better, for a while, until the epidemic. I’ve read hundreds of stories about legendary battles, have heard multiple tales about the true reason behind the meaning of every war, every combat. Honest, heart-breaking, real life stories. It’s always come down to family, always about love. I acknowledge the importance of family, understand the harsh reality of the life I’m about to live. But no matter how hard I tried, I can’t love that man. And it hurts me even more cause I’m not supposed to have to try to love a family member, it tears me apart when I failed in doing it. Everything he does, all I can feel is disguised. Everytime I saw him, I can’t help to think he’s a failure, a burden, an embarrassment. Tonight, I’ve done the thing that I forbade myself from doing for the last 3 years. I burst into tears in front of that man. And right after, there comes the embarrassment. So yeah, that’s the answer, tonight I cried because I hate myself for hating the man I call “father”. In 10-year-time, I hope that I won’t be feeling this way anymore. Hope that as an alumni, I will be reading this and regret. But till then, these are the honest words of a girl who feels really trapped in her own home. Lots of love, Your 17-year-old self. P/s: I also wanted you to know that no matter what you’re doing, I love it. I’m rooting for you from the past. I’m so proud of you, bud. Pp/s: Don’t forget to find someone who you can truly trust other than yourself. You really need at least one. Or at least I do.