A letter from Aug 2nd, 2021

Dear FutureMe, how are you? As of now, this is the thing that I want people to ask me the most. It's also the question that scares me the most- because i don't really know. I feel empty. I wish this void would go away. I don't know what I'm living for, which is funny because I'm actually fulfilling one of the longest dreams we've ever had- to become a doctor- but I feel so useless and stupid half of the time. I keep doubting myself in every step i take. I hope you're better now. I hope you're happier. That's the only thing I want out of this life for us. I want us to be happy. I want to feel the ocean under my feet. I want to wear strappy dresses and swim in pools. I want to drunk sing karaoke with the people I love. I want to see the cherry blossoms in Japan. I want to travel to Paris, Vienna, Galapagos islands and Ho Chi Minh city. I want to see the day break on the New York skyline. I want to see if Jeju really has amazing oranges. i want to dance in the first snow. Never give up unless you have seen these places and done these things. This is the reason we decided to make it past 18 even when the hurt was too much. Never forget this reason. I hope you never reach that point of hurt again. If you do I hope you pull every inch of strength you have and fix yourself. This is what we do every time. We break, we weep, we fix, we move on. This is how we have always lived. Never wallow in self pity or you'll forget the people you love are in pain too. Become a better version of yourself. Don't let your ego take the better side of you, say sorry when you need to. Don't be mean just to feel better about yourself. we're better than that, come on. live life to the fullest. don't worry about what people think about you. dance if you want to. sing if you want to. never. regret. having. fun. you do it way too many times. talk more in class. make more friends. right now i remembered how many friends i talked about forever with and don't talk with me now. people leave for a reason. people choose someone else over you for a reason. let them go. they are not as important as you think they are. let them find their own happiness. never forgive them for dumping you for no reason though. don't bring that friendship back in your life. i hope you find the strength to love with your whole heart. I hope you're not ashamed of loving someone and accept your feelings as it is despite it being a person who completely disregards and shows no interest in you. It's okay. Your feelings are valid. Don't beat yourself up over it. We're all big idiots sometimes. We all have hormones. Get over it and move on. We deserve the world. We deserve someone who makes us happy. Don't listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to this. The only person in charge of your life after this is you. i know loving ourselves was a hard journey and is still not over, but I hope you see the end of the tunnel. I hope you find people you open up to and not make crying a weekly sunday evening routine. I hope you get the mental health help that you know you need. I hope you actually feel hunger for food and can eat normally. I hope you get genuinely excited and happy for life rather than those annoying thoughts that want you to end everything. I hope you can focus better and is not as restless as I am now. I am so excited wondering what field of medicine future me chose? Cardiothoracic surgery? Pediatrics? How did that first suture feel? How did that first delivery of a baby feel? Did you ever deliver twins? What ws your first surgery? Where did you decide to travel for your higher studies? How did your first night shift feel? I'm so excited thinking about that now that my mood is better. Ok future me I'll end it here. You're a wonderful, talented, smart yet slightly off the rocker piece of work no matter what your dumb brain tells you. eat anyone who disagrees. cook even if you fail and the calamari burst on you like it did yesterday. sing yourself to sleep. paint that picture you saw on pinterest. learn another bts dance. pamper yourself to the max when you need it. study like you're a kdrama main lead who has been challenged by her arrogant professor to top the class. you da main priority. never forget. Happy 25 you firecracker. I love you sfm. from your favorite 20 year old in the past. xxxxxjg