A letter from Aug 1st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, i don't even know from where to star. It's been about 6 days since i'm in tetouan gor rattrapage and i was here a week ago two . I just went back to my hometown to celebrate EID and i came back and while i was there i realy wanted to end my life and i was so mad that i can't end it all so i started scratching my hand using my nails but it wasn't enough of a damage so i took a berkar and scratched my hand that was the first time i hurt my self and actualy feeling good about it cuz the scratches lasted fo alittle bit long because they were a little big deep not alot don't worry. And today i was scratching my bestie you know how you used to scratch anyone when you're playing with theim and she was complaining about jow that could leave a mark on her legs and i just lost control of my self and said "don't be a chicken i did those using a berkar you weak" and just a couple days ago she asked me about theim and i said that i hurted my self by accident why walking by a charp edged door. I feel now even more weaker and achamed now that she knows what is happening kinda with me even if it seemed normal to her! But i don't at anyone to know about my weakness my good tough looking profil or whtever you call it is the only thing that keeps me from loosing it in front of other people but now i just wanna realy end it even if it's my bestie cuz she's not taking it as she should and that's why i hate everyone and i know for sure no one tries to enderstand me at all that is actualy dangerous and you think if someone knew that about you they should take care of you and be worried if you are gonna hurt you're self another way but she seemed like ' ya i know how it feels i did this in atime (when she was in love with that weak *** son of a b*) but did she even thought about that i might thoughy about doing something else!?' I just hate being a live is anyone ever will be worried if i don't look happy as usual? Or being happy more than i should and it's suspesious? Someone that would stick by my side all the time being afraid i'm gonna hurt my self in another way? Why me? Why no one cares about me? Seriously? Am i that bad that i don't deserve someone to care about me? But what did i do wrong? I used to not care if no one cares about me and i was okay with it, but now i'm realy weaak i realy need someone to take care of me just like i tried to take care of others when it's possible! Again I'm not saying i'm a good person and they're not but why no one understand me i know i'm hard to be understanded but not impossible! Just try i'm not asking to be understanded all the time or be took care of all the time! Just now. Just now. I realy need someone by my side i'm so weaak i realy realy need someone i can't do this alone anymore. I don't wanna be sad forever i'd rather die!