A letter from Jul 29th, 2021

Will i ever find someone who knows me just like how i know my self. No one seems to understand even 40% of me not even my besties not even my parents, sister! None! Am i that complicated!? I just want someone to give me from their time 5 min everyday and try to understand me? Am i asking for much? Isn't that what close people should do? Why i try hard to understand my friends and parents problems and thoughts but none of them seems to even try? I'm not saying i'm good and they're bad . I just don't understand why when my friends aren't okay and they try to hide it and act normal i can see and tell that they're not okay even if i didn't react but i try to not force theim to act more i try to give theim time until the perfect time to ask theim wht's wrong but when i fake smiling and act fine when i was just 2 min ago crying no one seems to notice anything all of theim talk normal act normal like usual. Like seriously none of theim though that i might be depressed knowing i have alot of stuff going on lately? None of theim thought to come and talk to me? I know i'm realy stubborn but i'm not impossible i'm just hard but since i know people for over four years at least i thought they would see with time that i'm not tuff like i make people think i'm realy weak from inside why? Why? No one can see that? Is that some kind of torture? But why? what did i do? I know i'm not an angel that doen't make mistakes but i don't remember doing something that bad to deserv that!! I don't remember the last time i experienced the feeling of the true pure hapiness it's been years. actualy i do remember. When i was 15 years old i had nothing in my mind just a little girl in her first year in highschool knowing new friend after cuting the strings with her manipulat friends. Having fun here and there. I was my second year of having finaly a cell phone like others who had it so many years ago and that was because of something i've done.. anyway but my phone broke while chasing a classmate who took my money( we we're juqt playing) so i had to stay with this broken phone meanwhile the iphone 6 back then was newly droped on sell and i realy wanted it so my dad promised to buy it if i succed and i did. But he said i have to wait. And one day i got home realy tired hungry i had nothing in my mind but eating when my mom told me to wash my hand and go to the living room because there is something waiting for me. I was realy confused and i had no doubts and then boom it's my dream phone there charging in peace waiting for me i can't forget how happy i was back then . You know why i rememberd that? Because about 3 or four days ago i had a dream about that guy who came to me while i was minding my busniss out and ask for my phone number and he was realy noce respecting guy and i said yes but there was something atrractive about that guy he had a nokia phone and he seemed okay to give the nokia to write my phone number on it and liked that so much. I was realy comfortable talking to him as unusual i couldn't understand how to open the phone so i asked and he explaned to me how and i was impressed and talking about having those when i was a kid. Then we cut to another scen i beleive it was after days or maybe months i don't know where i am whith him in this kids games store buying somthing with his parents then i see my parents in the store too and i go to them kiss them then go back to the guy as they know him like we're dating or something and they were completely fine with it. So i wanted to buy a gift foe my little sister since i'm already here but i didn't any good toy not that expensive until i saw my parents buying a toy that looked realy fine and i wanted to buy it to my little sister but then i got disppointed because i realized my parents bought the toy to my little sister so i put it back. Then we cut to another scen where i'm whith the guy alone hoalding his arm walking he wanted to show me a place and he was using the GPS but whiling going i was afraid i'm gonna last the way home because i only know my way home from one exact street. And in unusual i didn't keep my thought to my self and i told him that i'm afraid to last my way home. I saw him trying to take us back because he didn't want me to loose my way home but i wanted to see the placed so i told him that we still going just we have to make sure we know how to go back to that street and then we were just talking and i looked so so happy that made me realize that it's been years since i felt happy. And there was one thing realy catching in that dream it was the guy's birthday i'm still able to see that picturz just like the way i dreamed about it in his instagram's bio he wrote hiq birthday ( 22TH OF JULY 2002 ) i don't know why i remember that exactly with the big litters the mistake in 22th (22nd) i think that that was the last thing i saw in the dream but i'm not completely sure about it. I know i'm being dramatic but i fell like that maybe a sign of something but 22 of july have already past as you can see we are in 29 of july. I know what do you have in your mind did i dream that dream in 22 july. Ughh i don't think so but i'm sure it might be but what if! What does that mean? Is that normal and i'm just overreacting or it means something? And if it means something what can it be? I wrote that because i wanted you to remember it perhaps something happend on that time and you're gonna know it. Or you just gonna see how dramatic overreacting you were back now. My last question is am i realy being sensitive morz than usual because latelt i fell like everyone is being selfish with me! But my friend and i know theim they are such an amazing people. But why none of theim see their friend's pain????? !هل أنا حقا في عمر الزهور ...أشعر أنني ربطة بقدونس جافة