A letter from Jul 28th, 2021

dear future me, as i write this letter, it is currently 1:30am on the 28th of july 2021. i sit here in tears. it’s another late night and my thoughts seem to be overwhelming me. i am 18 years old but it seems to feel as if i have not begun to live. this thought seems to keep haunting me - the depressed, self-harming 13 year old me would not be happy right now. i guess she thought that things would be so much better as an 18 year old and yet, things seem to remain exactly the same. i’ll try to explain how you felt at this moment - how 18 year old you feels. well for one, she’s scared. terrified, i think. but she’s trying not to think about the upcoming months too much. she’s moving away from home and will be off to university. new people, new places… everything familiar will be miles away. she’ll be thrown into the deep end. second, she’s unhappy. she cannot bare to look at her body in the mirror, even in passing. she compares herself to other girls, the pretty ones, and wishes to be anyone else but herself. she genuinely believes that she will never experience romantic love and tries to convince herself that she’ll be content when if dies alone. she doesn’t allow herself to find boys attractive nor have crushes on them as she genuinely believes that they would never notice her, even if she was the only one in the room. see, at this moment these thoughts are completely rational to you. you believe them wholeheartedly and have done for years. i hope that today you no longer do. i hope that today these thoughts have not manifested and you have proven yourself wrong. i hope that you’re happy and that university was so much better than you thought it would be. i hope that you have made real friends - life long connections and relationships with people that love and cherish you just as much as you do then. i hope that you have seen yourself for who you are - that you have realised your self worth and finally love yourself like you always should have because 18 year old you is banking on these hopes. 18 year old you is wishing for better days, just like 13 year old you was. i don’t know when you will receive this letter, how old you will be or wherever life has taken you but i hope that you read this and let out a deep breath because you are finally happy now. trust the process and know that god has got you always. happier days are on the horizon and they always have been. love, you.