read me

hey you, I can imagine this email looking a lot like spam but just bear with me. you really do not know what I had to do to find your email address. I am actually not certain ill send it to whatever I find online out of fear maybe this is just in my inbox and maybe ill get to forward it to you OR its going to be quite awkward if this is in fact NOT a working email address and some stranger gets to read the intimate details of a letter written 5 years ago by a friend. HA a friend. **if you dont want to get in trouble with the person you're dating, you should stop reading and delete this now** I wonder who I am to you 5 years from now. am I the girl you used to ski patrol with? your lesbian friend who's dad you told you'd look after me? another role I have been? or maybe a new one. I wonder if I am in your life at all. right now it seems like you always will be but ive tried refraining from "always" and "never" language--it sets you up for failure and disappointment. we had a conversation recently where you mentioned 5 years from now. 5 years from now, im the age you are now and you are OLD. maybe its that thats making me write this. or I am indeed just bored as **** sitting here in my alamosa office writing to you instead of doing work. as of now, I have known you for quite some time. I have known known you three years and have loved you for all three of those (don't take it weirdly you know I love ya). part of me wonders if in the last five years that love has changed into real love. if I ever fell in love with you in the future from now or maybe in the past from where you are. maybe we fell in love with each other. maybe we had this big ol sappy love story that (as much as I hate to admit) I had been counting on since I met you. god, I can't believe I admitted that. even know you already knew that it makes me feel pretty icky saying it. maybe we had a little itty bitty love story and it ended. maybe we had a big fight and never spoke again or maybe we both fell in love without the other one. all of those are okay (well not so much the fighting one) but any which way it happened in the next five years, I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy with probably not me (if im being realistic)... maybe you're married to her, with kids, or some other form of settlement in which case I should keep this letter to myself. maybe we're reading this together in which case we can pause and talk about how silly this is. you can say something derogatory and I can pretend not to take it personally. either way, I want you to know (or I just want to remind myself) that you're a big part of my life right now. that you have been (past tense), are (present tense), and will be (future tense). I don't know for how long on the last one but the first two are not predicated on the third. I want you to know that you've shaped me up until 21 and will probably continue to shape me until 26, even if its in limited capacity. I always wanted great things for us, but want to acknowledge that even if you want to make homemake pizza and envision it being the most romantic, lovely story ever, it could end up taking incredibly long and still be **** haha. we've had some really great moments and I hope we still made those in the next 5. I think about you a lot right now. don't take it personally. I think I just try and think of you when I want advice that I would tell myself. I also think about you when I want a distraction of everything I know. you're somehow the most familiar, most extraneous person in my life. if I have anything to apologize for, I should take this letter as an excuse. if I have any regrets with you, I should take this letter as an excuse. I wonder how similar we are in 5 years. gosh, I wonder so much about the next 5 for us. for reminiscence sake, listen to dangerous connection and think about those moments we shared. listen to remember me, Tennessee whiskey, love affair, or 2AM while you're at it. they're the songs that make me think of you. Im sorry if this letter makes you sad or serves as a really horrible reminder. if it does, you can be mad at your 21 year old self. here's to 5 years that hopefully got some action ;) xoxo, 21 year old me PS. I hope you're still the person that wishes me a happy birthday first PPS. I hope we spend at least 1 New Years together PPS. buy me a drink after you read this