A letter from Jul 21st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, from the notes app: wednesday july 21, 2021 at 12:17 am notes for therapy i keep experiencing these brief moments of clarity where i remember how i was or how i used to think but it's always fleeting and that makes me sad, to feel the lack. to remember what i once had but no longer do, like i was never always this insecure and low self esteem and anxious constantly like there was a time when my mind was free from all of this and the academic worries were such simple straightforward worries that eventually dissolved, not persist or transform like law of conservation of energy. and when i got high, just that first hit made me feel so normal like all the worries that i'd had for so long that i got used to them disappeared and what was left under all that debris was the person i used to be that i forgot had even existed. i've forgotten how i used to think and function healthily when i was okay. and i got that feeling that everything was going to be okay, that feeling that is so difficult to conjure now but in the past was the norm i took that first hit and looked around my room before the high started kicking in and before i started realizing and it didn't feel like i was high at all, nor was i not high. i felt like i had time traveled to two years ago because that was the last time i'd just enjoyed and viewed my surroundings and the experience of living as i was, standing there looking at my room. like it wasn't the things i was seeing that looked different, it was my mind that was perceiving like it used to. it feels like the answers right in front of me but i just can't identify it.