A letter from Jul 19th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I did one of these things when I was younger but changed emails so many times. I remember some of the goofy things I wrote. One I remember trying to talk future me into putting up with manny longer. Now I want to wonder if I'm still with drake. Only it doesn't matter cuz u can't answer. Idk what I'll do for a living yet. Looking for new ideas exhausts me. I get tearful. Now I'm looking at real estate. It's hard to imagine doing anything, but ultimately what I want most is money. A comfortable life insofar as that can ever happen in the current world. Will the summers be worse when you get this? Will it be unbearably hot? Will there be water shortages? Wildfires that rain ash again? I try to think of all that will get worse and the heat and wildfires consume my mind. It wasn't like this when we were young. It seems to have progressed so fast. I'm leaving for Vegas in a few days. I'm scared to write half of what I hope for in case none of it comes true and I feel like an idiot in 5 years. I want drake to tell me he loves me. I'm afraid. I want to hike more. I hope you do. I hope you remember that the earth is grounding and no matter what happens there is always the beauty of the natural world to make you feel wonder again. That wonder is everywhere. Even if it turns out you're still alone. Life is so long. I've been keeping up a new journal again. It probably won't be so fun to read as this. It's just too **** long. Mainly I just pray that things stay good. I pray you've found a good place to work and that you make the kind of money that keeps u from wanting to stick forks in your eyes to get out of shifts. I hope u got a home or a nice clean place. N if u don't I hope u have something else. The wherewithal to continue on anyway. Because if there's anything we have while we are alive it's ******* Time. I just had the thought, what if molly is dead when u read this? Molly and Drake could be gone by that time. It fills me with dread. Not that the two losses are very alike. I don't know. Maybe they are. I always wanted so much to belong with people. Some group, some network. I feel a crater inside me where the certainty I'll have that should be. Everything changes so much... I wonder if you'll have achieved that or whether you'll have gotten wise enough to stop longing for it. I wish I had a more solitary heart. Even as I'm with drake I try to cultivate it. To make myself strong and healthy so I can survive all I have to lose. Which when you have very little is so much. I wonder if you write a letter when you get this if it'll be more hopeful because you feel more secure. Or if it'll have the same melancholy tone, as when you're uncertain. Do you write still? Better? Have you made an album? Have you found a home u can sing in? Even if it isn't your own? Did you get a new guitar? I'm going to have this delivered in 5 years. Ull be ******* 33. Still young but Jesus, who can imagine being much older? God help me, sometimes it's weird to think I'll only be 33 in 5 years. I feel it like tomorrow. And I really do think that's still young. Young adulthood. The end of it but regardless. It makes me feel a little better being so lost now, knowing I'll still be young then. So you have that going for you. I hardly know what else to say. Hope the room post fire was cool. That it got finished. Hope we're someone good. Talk to you in 5 more. Don't lose this email account. Luv allison.