A letter from Jul 18th, 2021

how are you doing? still alive huh, you don’t wanna die 😐. Anyways i’m gonna tell my ****** life to you ig bcoz i have no one actually and to remind you little ***** that without me you’re nothing 🙄. Okay so we’re Monday 19th July 2021, i haven’t been doing so good, i didn’t go outside for now one week, i haven’t eaten for a day now and tomorrow i’m fasting because of Aid. idk how i’m gonna do but whatever, i don’t have friends anymore and i got another addiction… 🤪 I’m clean of sh for now 1month and ~20days? But i started another addiction 😟, i’m saying that whilst joking but i’m really ashamed, i started… umm masturb*** and fr i can’t sleep without it.. The medicines my.. i mean our mom gave me doesn’t work same for our sister’s medicines. I’m not asking for too much. I want someone to understand me and to give me a chance? I want someone to hug me so hard that i can’t breath? I want someone to kiss me on my forehead and tell me how they like me? I want to be someone’s fav person? I know i sound dumb and immature but i wanna feel the warm of another human being. I don’t even have an ibf or sum. I ghost these guy that i was talking to, he was really nice but it got boring, still i really liked him (as a friend), but distance relationship aren’t for me. I’m saying that but i still have that **** ****** personality. i’m always expressing my sadness through anger. I always wanna cry so bad but something don’t let me cry and idk what, oh and i miss her. I loved her (as a friend) and i enjoyed being w her. but we just got fade away. I didn’t even say properly what i was thinking and feeling abt the fact that she just remplace me. She told me at the beginning of the year “we’re not in the same class, but we’re still bsf, so please don’t let me down like Ines did..” and i was so sad for her that this abandon left such a big scar on her. But yk what’s ironic? She was the one who wasn’t looking for me after class, she was the one who was letting me alone on the breaks, she was the one who replaced me, she changed so much and i hope she’s happy but it hurts. I would like to tell her only one thing “i haven’t been the best friend you could have had on your life but it’s okay i got it now. I want to apologize for all the bad things i’ve said and done because God knows how much bad things i’ve done. After a lot of thinking i just realized i was the toxic one. But i did this to myself. Thank you for those 3 happiest years of my life” She was right, she’s healthy for herself ig. I’ve lost my ”sun” bcoz of me. Anyways let’s stop blathering abt her. Let’s talk feelings, i wanna scream and i wanna hit something so hard. I wanna hurt myself but i hold for now 1month and more, i wanna escape and start a new life w a new identity in a new country but that’s “teenage dreams” right. I have to be more realistic. I want to ask you if you still have that weight on you chest. Everyday it gets heavier and heavier. Sometimes it makes me stop breathing. I hate myself. But you, the me of future i have faith on you, even if you don’t do the things i wanted to do it’s okay. I’m proud of u ! You’re beautiful plz don’t starve yourself like i’m doing, you’re a good person, pls change our life i’m begging you don’t let our life being wasted ok? I know i’m giving you a lot of responsibilities but try your best don’t blame everything on others and try to change yourself too. Speak to someone, whoever is it, dgaf abt what ppl says, they’re not worth our time, don’t let people ruining your life. I’m gonna try my best from now on i promise for you. Because i promise that one day i’ll love you. And one day we will be our own sun and our own fav person. I love you. (my fingers hurts from writing this so you better read it, oh and my english is kind of bad but it’s the only language where i can really express what i’m feeling) anyways bye :3 the 14yo you 🤨