A letter from Jul 12th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Growth, they say is step by step. Today being July 12th, 2021 is my 30th birthday. I really can't say how far I've grown over the years. Don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about physical growth here. Instead, I'm referring to self-growth; especially the way I think and see life. Maybe something is wrong with me but I don't feel any special thing about birthdays. If for anything, it's for me a time for self-reflection - which brings me to the point of this letter. I'm grateful to be alive. Very grateful. Despite the uncertainties of life, I'm still optimistic about having a good life, even though I can't exactly describe what 'good life' means. It is funny how what you think is most important today turns out not to be that important as time pass by. Do you still feel the same way? If I'm going to view things from a materialistic point of view, I can boldly say I've fared better since my last birthday. How long that will last, I don't know. I dabbled into freelancing and had a fantastic start in the year. Even though things are not looking good for me on Upwork at the moment, I've been able to rent a new house (one-bedroom flat) and furnish it to the taste of an average young man. It took away my savings but I derive some satisfaction and a good sense of self-worth whenever I'm in it. In my last letter, I mentioned how I developed a reading habit which helped rewire the way I think and see things. I have not been able to keep up with that habit which is a low for me. I feel it every day that I'm missing something. I still masturbate. Yeah I know, it's quite embarrassing but I'm still fighting this shameful habit. My new girlfriend, Foluke, is the only person I've shared this with. She has been helpful in my quest to conquer this habit. I also visit the brothel a lot, much more than I've done in the previous years. Funny enough, I don't even feel bad about this. I'm not in love yet because there is no special one. Over the past few months, I have been cherishing this idea of having a kid from a baby mama. I don't know if this is as a result of wanting to keep up with society (because I think I'm not getting younger) or because it's truly what I want. I guess time will tell. I drink and have had some very embarrassing moments in the past twelve months. Moments I'm not in the least way proud of. This is not me, that I'm sure. Too many negatives abi? I do have some good news though. Of all my personal values, I have been most sincere to integrity. I try to keep to my words even when there is no legal agreement backing it up. I hate cheating people even when I know I can't be caught. This makes me look at myself in the mirror with pride. On responsibility, I can boldly say I am now responsible for myself. At 30, this shouldn't even be an achievement but I feel happy nonetheless. I also try as best as I can to reach out to my parents (financially) whenever 'hustle' pay. I have two people staying with me at the moment. It's not easy because I am mostly responsible for the financial upkeep of the house. I however think it's a preparatory step for me in life as I would be responsible for my wife and kids someday. I'm not very good at the task at the moment but at least, I'm even trying. I do odd things to keep by. From freelancing, NYSC runz, medical runz, and crypto. I have committed some dollars to crypto in the past few months which is not even worth remembering at the moment. I hope it pays eventually. I don't have much plans. I just want to survive and be financially independent to live a decent life. I plan to buy a piece of land and start developing it. At the moment, I'm in debt of almost 100k so it's just a dream for now though. That is not to say I'm giving up on the idea. Where there is a will, there is a way. I got that from my favorite book, 'The Richest Man in Babylon'. I earnestly desire to land a government job. That is very difficult at the moment though because one needs money and a reliable link to get that in Nigeria. I also want kids, but not before I'm sure I can take care of them. May God help me. Talking about God, I rarely go to church. Not because I don't believe in God, but because I don't just find fulfillment whenever I'm in church. I'm not even sure that makes sense but what I know is that God is merciful and looks at men inwardly. I hope what I have in me is worth God's love sha. I hope you are doing great? One thing I earnestly desire is that by the time you're reading this letter, you would have become a man in every aspect. A good and fulfilled man. Never give up on your dreams man. You are important even if nobody sees that except you. Have a great round of another 365 days. I wish you what you wish yourself. And above all, I wish you ease. Happy birthday, mate! From your past self, July 2021. PS: I'm just rolling with a girl now (Foluke). She seems to like me but I don't know where this will lead.