A letter from Jul 6th, 2021

hey, holland passed away 21 days ago now. it feels like an eternity. i wish i had texted her more recently. i kept meaning to, and i had a lot of stuff i wanted to tell her. but i didn’t. and i’ll always regret that now. i felt so alone and she really was the only person that really understood how i felt. she always made me feel so validated. and i just felt like everything was going to be okay. every trip to texas would be fun from there out. we’d be inseparable. i would no longer dread family reunions or going to families houses. the future was bright for us. but now it’s not. i feel so alone. last time i talked to her i was starting to feel better but she told me she just got out of the psych ward. i felt so sad. we were going in opposite directions and as much as i wanted to feel better, i didn’t want to feel better without her. it felt so wrong. especially when i had visions of us coming out on the other side together. when nick talked about her coming here for the summer i was so excited. i envisioned us doing those stupid anxiety workbooks together and both being equally annoyed. and i envisioned her teaching me to play guitar and us singing and playing piano together. and i envisioned us driving each other to work - or maybe even getting the same job. and i envisioned me taking her to meet all my friends and all of them instantly loving her. and i envisioned us complaining together about going to church but knowing deep down it wouldn’t be that bad if we were together. and i envisioned us staying up late talking like we did the last night i saw her. i should’ve pushed for her to come here. i wish so badly i had. but i know deep down that her fate was predetermined by god and that nothing i did could’ve changed that. but there’s always the what if. and now i have to recover alone. the task seems daunting and overwhelming. i didn’t want to do this alone and i didn’t think i would. i wanted us to be able to look back one day and say we made it. but now i’ll just have to recover for the both of us. so we can say we made it. we made it to the other side. but to holland - i hope you’re doing okay up there. i hope it’s nice. i hope you’re finally happy, because that’s all i ever wanted for you, and it hurts to know you never fully achieved it here on earth. i hope you’re singing in the angels choir.