A letter from Jul 3rd, 2021

Hi from 2021 :> NAUUBOS NA KO. 5 years from now marereceived mo tong message na to. Buhay ka pa kaya self? O baka natalo kana ng mga problema mo. Kung buhay ka pa, congrats sobrang proud ako sayo, sobrang proud ako kase kinaya mo. Halos mag isa kang nabuhay, sa loob ng 17 years puro sakit lang naranasan mo sa buhay. I know gustong gusto mo ng sumuko, alam kong gusto mo nang mag pahinga. Pero lumaban ka padin. Ang tapang mo. To my younger self, I wish i was with you through your journey. How hard it is being alone, seeing everyone you loved leave. I was 5 years old back then, when i first met my mom. Tita pa nga tawag ko sakanya kase tita yung tawag ng mga pinsan ko. I was really insecure all my life. I was insecure because i don’t have a dad, but i have my grandfather and he filled that emptiness in me. But guess what? He left me, he died. But do you know what hurts more? Seeing him dying in the corner of the hospital because we don’t have money to treat him. I was insecure because i don’t have a dad, now i will be forever insecure, because he died due to cardiac arrest. But do you know what hurts more? I died while i was angry at him, he cheated and i saw that during my 15th birthday, instead of celebrating i was devastated and breaking down. But there’s more. Wala ako sa tabi nya during his last days. Wala ako sa burol at libing. Inargabyado pa kami. Haha I was still lucky because i have my mom but guess what? She has cancer, and it really hurts because i’m afraid. What if suddenly i wake up, and there’s nothing left? Natatakot akong magising na mag isa nalang. Funny right? eh buong buhay ko naman mag isa ako. ( 1 Chronicles 17:16 ) I’m always laughing, But why am i not happy? At this time, lahat ng ka edad ko namomoblema dahil sa losestreak sa ml at ibang bagay na dapat yun lang ang pinoproblema ng isang 17 years old. Pero ako ngayon sa dagat ng mga problema. ( 1 corinthians 3:16 ) I have friends, Do i really have? I’m tired, Im wondering bakit hindi nalang ako magpakamatay. Then i remembered, i tried. I tried, Cutting my wrist, Drowning myself, Hanging myself, Overdosing myself, Starving myself, Drinking hard until i can’t wake up anymore. Nonsense. Because i’m still alive, living with tons of problems. ( Isaiah 46:4 ) Knives. Yeah words cut deeper than the knife. In this 17 years of life, all i heard was criticisms. From my own family, from my own friends, from everyone. Yeah feels like a walking chopping board. ( 2 Timothy 4:17 ) Dissapointment. My whole family made me feel like i was the biggest dissapointment in the family. It’s funny cause out of all my cousins ako nalang yung nag aaral yet ako padin yung masama. Minsan naisip ko tumigil nalang din kaya ako sa pag aaral, baka maging proud sila. I’m not as good as my dad’s daughter, i can still remember the words that he used. Napakawalang kwenta, Pinapahiya mo ako, Mabuti pa yung ate mo. I’m tired not being good enough kahit alam kong ginawa ko na yung best ko. ( Philippians 4:6 ) Walang may gusto, Takot na takot na akong maiwan kasi mama ko nalang yung nandyan. Pag nawala sya, wala na din ako. Walang may gusto sakin sa pamilya namin, walang tatanggap sakin kung wala kaming pera. Tuwing naiisip kong 17 na ko pero hindi parin ako masaya, lalo kong naiisip na tapusin nalang. ( Psalm 34:18 ) 17 years, All i remembered was pain and sufferings. The memories i have gathered was all resentments. ( Ephesians 4:31 ) There’s calm in the dark, I don’t know, everybody’s afraid of the darkness. But for me, it keeps me calm because i know that no one can see me. And no one will judge me. (Psalm 23:4) Thunders and Stroms Literal na thunderstorms and lightning, mag isa lang ako sa bahay kaya tuwing may bagyo o may malakas na ulan na may kasamang kulog at kidlat natatakot ako syempre. Traumang trauma ako grabe. Wala naman akong pedeng gawin kundi umiyak, kase wala naman akong mahihingan ng tulong. Naalala ko nag aalburuto na naman ang bulkan ngayon. Nalampasan ko nung una mag isa, pero ngayon parang gusto ko nalang magpaiwan. Gusto ko nalang sumabay sa pagsabog ng bulkan, gusto ko nading mailabas lahat. Lahat ng sakit. ( Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 118:6, 2 Timothy 1:7 ) Miserable, That’s me. Hindi ko ba talaga deserve maging masaya? ( Psalm 126:5 ) Heal, My dream was to be a doctor, to heal everyone. Pero habang lumalapit na ako sa pangarap ko, doon ako tinamaan ng realidad. Na hindi pwede. Hindi kami ganoon kayaman, hindi ako matalino at nahihirapan na yung mama ko. Gusto ko na syang mapauwi at mapagamot. I wan’t to heal everyone, but why can’t i do it to myself? ( Exodus 15:26 ) Brokenness, Broken is an understatement. I’m dead. I will not be whole anymore. (Revelation 21:4) Can i dream? It’s funny, sa hinaba haba ng pagiging kpop fan ko, nung inistan ko lang yung nct tsaka ako nag ka interest na mag audition. Nung una akala ko joke lang, pero habang tumatagal lalo kong ginugusto. LALO AKONG NAGKAKAROON NG DAHILAN. Naisip ko na pag nakapag debut ako, mapapauwi ko na yung mama ko at mabibigyan ng magandang buhay. Naisip ko na opportunity na din yon para makatulong sa ibang tao. Pero kagaya ng una kong pangarap, habang papalapit ako sinasampal ako ng katotohanan. PANGET. PANDAK. HINDI TALENTED. HINDI MAPUTI. MAHIRAP. i wonder what’s left for me. ( 2 Samuel 5:19-20) Until when? Buong 17 years ng buhay ko binubugbog ako ng mga problema. Walang pahinga. Sukong suko na ko, pagod na pagod, ubos na ubos. ( Matthew 11:28) Pero wala namang makakaintindi. Naalala ko nag lakas loob akong mag open pero ang sinabi lang sakin, ‘may taong mas nahihirapan kaysa sayo’ well tama naman haha. Silly me, expecting na may makakaintindi. ( Isaiah 40:28 ) I WANT TO BE THE REASON. That’s my reason, i want to be the reason. I want to stop, but i can’t stop because i want to be everyone’s reason to fight. I know there’s a lot of people who has tougher battles than me. There’s a lot of people who already gave up in life. The people who stays, i want to be one of the people who stays. I want to help everyone who’s battling with their toughest battles. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL SOLDIERS. GOD GIVES HIS TOUGHEST BATTLES TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS. (Deutoronomy 31:6) Gade, I hope by this time, you already find your happiness. I hope you’re still alive. I know how strong and capable you are. Please never stop fighting for us. But if ever you’re really tired, rest. IF EVER I DIE PLEASE PUBLISH THIS FOR ME.