A letter from Jul 1st, 2021

I've never been this insecure in my decade and years of existing, not until she came in the picture. It's always her, from my own family down to my relatives. It ******* hurts because it seems like they don't give a **** about my feelings at all. I've been surrounded by pretty, talented, smart, friendly, etc. girls, but I've never been this insecure—no because when my sister compared me to her and my brother opened his mouth, that was when I knew something's off with me. Everyone acknowledges her; she's always the center of attention. She's not an introvert, she's not dumb, she's good at pleasing people despite her flaws, but no one even acknowledges me except myself and bts even though I also excel in school. I am aware of my flaws and imperfections, and despite all of that, I've never felt insecure, not even with my almost perfect best friend, but why with her? I know I am evil because I became distant from her like ignoring her messages and giving her cold replies whenever she shares random stuff. To be honest, I feel bad for treating her that way; I am mad at myself, but I couldn't do anything because I am hurt, and I deserved it. What sucks more is that I want to get mad at all of them for making me feel this way, but I couldn't, and I won't. I want to blame them for being miserable, but in the end, It's always myself I'm getting mad at. I want to die as soon as possible, but I want to achieve my goals for them, especially for my parents. I am really so helpless and pathetic! I want to cry, but these past few days, I've noticed tears won't come out anymore, even though my heart really feels heavy. Only God knows what I felt right now because I can't even feel own myself. I know God is reading this, and I just hope He'll let me leave this house. This was supposed to be my safe place and comfort place, but instead, it became hell for me. If God won't let me die nor leave this house, then someone could make me disappear just for one day, and I'll continue to live. :( PS: Playing my 'lost in 3am playlist' because it's 3:26 when I finished writing this. By the way, worthless by Eli. is currently playing.