A letter from Jun 30th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, it will get better hopefully. from now till then you will learn how to love yourself how to accept yourself how to not be hard on yourself and you will find yourself again no matter what others from family to friends are telling you and giving you criticism (ktir meze3je, ktir 3ej2a, btehke ktir, ktir bt bayne mam7oune, ma ba2a tdalik 3m btedahake....*in arabic*) you will be successful and you will have everything figured out in front you. you will start doing things for yourself and not for others. you will do things to not disappoint yourself not to not disappoint others. you will do things so you can be proud of yourself. it's hard but look you made it till now. i hope that you won't give up no matter how much it's hard. and i hope that my mind will be a safe place and not a mess anymore. having depression anxiety and no one knows about it and you can't even talk about it it's hard but it will get better. this period while i'm writing this letter is really hard on me. i can't handle it anymore i wish i could die but i can't. why? cause i think that there might be someone that cares about me and if i die that person will be devastated because of me and i'm disappointing him by not fighting anymore and giving up. plus i believe that everything will get better and i wish that after 5 years i will still be that optimistic joyful person that sees good in everything that loves life that likes to socialize that likes to see people happy that likes to help that likes to enjoy every little thing in life and appreciate everything. 2019-2020 i was doing biology. our car got burned. in lebanon everything got worse the financial situation, the pandemic everything. we had to study online it was hard for me cause i couldn't focus properly. i went to the hospital because of a tumor in my stomach. i had a lot of ups and downs with friends crushes. i was exhausted. and then the medecine entrance came i wasn't ready, my depression got worse and i would cry every night but no one knew and i failed my exams and i couldn't accomplish my dream. i disappointed everyone including myself. and from that point my mental health got even worse cause i failed and i couldn't express what i'm feeling from anger to sadness cause my parents and siblings wouldn't let me. if i wanted to sit on my own they would come and tell me to sit with them and if i cried they woul tell me to stop cause what happened happened and that's okay and you should focus now on your new major like okay i know all those but i have the right to feel that way. and the my dad and mom would tell me that yeah your friends has a bad influence on you that's why you didn't study well and that's laziness and idk what else. my parents doesn't trust me from when i was younger and they still do not and now they don't trust my friends either. 2020-2021: i changed my major to computer science. we are still learning from home but i'm drained mentally emotionally physically. i'm trying my hard to concentrate to study to do my best but that's not enough. the second semester i failed it. i failed it and probably i will get 5 or 4 over 20 and yeah that's because i couldn't study. it's happening to me the same thing that happened while i was studying to the medecine entrance exam. and now i'm trying to study for upcoming finals and let's hope for the best. and today i asked my mum if i can go out tomorrow with my friends and told me no. and you know the reason why? cause i should study for my finals. yesterday was the last day of my first finals and after a month we begin the second finals. but i can't go because i failed the first one so yey i can't even see anyone just so i can change my mood. oh and i was talking to a guy that i'm really intersted in him and that's the first time that i feel safe towards someone and i was kind of vulnerable with him but guess what he's not over his ex. and yeah maybe that's better cause i'm a mess right now and i don't love myself and plus i don't know if i'm even allowed to go out *in a sarcastic way since my parents don't let me go out a lot* . the most sad thing is that my brother ( he has syndrome down) once told me he wants to commit suicide. but everything will get better and there's still little thing that are beautiful.