A letter from Jun 29th, 2021

How many years it has been since mom left, well I saying it respect to your time...mere liye to abhi 2 mahine hue h. jbse wo gyi h sb kuch badal gya h, sb kuch mtlb sb kuch. Ghar ka environment kbhi aisa hoga sapne me bhi nhi socha tha, but it feels like it was expected kyuki mere sapno me majority of the times it was papa who died and for ma it was only once I guess.But still current situation is hardly bearable, expectations aside. Subah se leke raat kb ho gyi pta hi nhi chlta..aakhir krti kaise thi wo itna kaam or wo bhi akele. Mera or shalu ka to tel nikal gya or wo to 27 saal se ye kr rhi h or infact isse zyada. If you ask me about my current situation I'll say that majority of the time i'm frustrated....on everybody, not anyone particular on shalu, papa (most of the time), all family members, and sometimes even myself. Earlier when everything was normal I read somewhere many quotes that I understood clearly but never took seriously like the absence of people does not hurt, what hurts is the presence of their memory. It is literally true, I"ve felt it now to my core. every now and then i"m hit by a stroke of memory of her and after that, the void inside me expands, my anxiety hits its peak, my legs give up, and holding back tears becomes a task of great difficulty. But then again I'm reminded of what needs to be done and what is unnecessary, such me ab aisa sochna padhta h yaar ki kya krna zaroori h or kya krke or dard hoga, mtlb zindagi ka concept hi badal gya h pehle kha me chill banda apni zindagi jeene wala, bilkul calmed and composed or ab aisa lgta h din bhr aag me khadha hu itna jlta h badan ander se. Fir bhi sambhalta hu kisi tarah se aage badhta hu bhale ek ka*** hi sahi but mujhe nhi pasand ye, ye zindagi ab khaali si lgti h or saath me bhaari bhi. Itni responsibilities h itne sawaal h......kaise? kyu? kb? pr fir bhi chalna h chahe lait ke hi sahi, pr ab per thaq gye h yaar kha tk chl paunga pta nhi haar sa gya hu.....kuch h hi nhi jis pe man lga saku...koi h hi nhi jisse kuch keh saku....mu dekhne k liye to h but sir rakhne k liye to koi nhi h na. pta nhi kaise hoga ab sb kuch. sabse zyada tension to papa ki h. unhone litrally sb kuch chodh diya h, hn hume bhi agar yaad nhi to to itna padh ke yaad to aa hi gya hoga ki kaisa tha time....kaise kata h time....kaise subah hoti thi.....kaie shaam hoti thi. Even today me rone ki awaaz se utha, mtlb wo ye bhi nhi soch rhe hume kaisa lgega, hum koi bahar k thodhi h humne bhi to khoya h kuch....wo dekhne ko hi ready nhi h..or unki baatein,he bhagwaan kha se...mtlb kha se laate h wo aisi baatein mtlb sb bhool gye h wo ki kya hota tha. chalo chodho ab wo kyu repeat kre jo chla gya but tere liye kuch sawaal h...mana bohot time hogya h fir bhi ,I'm curious ki ab kya badla h; did you land a job....? papa kaise h? ab neend aati h? krishna ka kya hua? future abhi bhi black dikhta h kya jeene ka passion mila ya abhi bhi doosro k liye hi exist kr rha hu me? pairo ki chain tooti? ghar se bahar nikla? baakiyo k kya haal h...ashish gaurav mohsin...kaise h sb? sutta peetah abhi bhi? mujhe ye to nhi pta ki age kya h abhi kyuki abhi time decide nhi kkiya maine but still do have a life? Or aage kya kahu pehli baar 500 words cross hue h but ye bhi sahi h ki bahar aa gye kyuki kehne o kisse kahu sbhi jal rhe h. kher...I'l' be endin d mail now, sosabhi ka dhyaan rakhna agar kuch hua h to sorry boldena dil pe pathar rakh ke waise hi bohot h to 2-3 se koi khaas change nhi aayega and shalu ka dhyaan dena . ab hum do hi h jo h. Or option to bohot baar a gya h but suicide ko accept mt krna kyuki wo bus transfer krdega problems ko . chl bye fir baat krenge tb tk k liye just, "WAIT WATCH AND OBSERVE"