A letter from Jun 29th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, As of today 29/06/2021 you are 16 years old turning 17 in December. It's quite scary to think you will be turning 22 this year, terrifying even. In September I will be moving away to college to study a level two and three in equine management, what are you doing? My best guess is that you'll be in university working towards a degree in equine sport performance but that's my current hopes and dreams, maybe you'll be doing something completely different by that point. Do you own a horse yet? are you in a relationship and if you are is it who I 'm hoping it is? if it's not you'll probably have forgotten who it is I am talking about but oh my gosh he's stressing me out right now. I feel like I may have/been falling for him but I know I'm pushing him away and I think he's actually distancing himself so now I'm stressed pahaha. I think I really like him, my issue is I feel like he'll either end up using me or just leave like the other ones did. One can hope he doesn't but I equally wouldn't blame him if he did. I think I am underestimating how much it will actually hurt if he does leave though, I really did/do still hope it'll work out. Then again if it doesn't then I know we just weren't meant to happen. Later on today 29/06/2021 (its currently 25 past 12 in the morning, I know GET TO SLEEP) I have my riding and fitness assessment for college and I can honestly say I'm so scared. I weigh too much to ride there and it really does bring my self esteem down, speaking of which, how happy are you with yourself now? I have so many issues with myself that its made me self harm. My weight, the way I look, my voice, my height. I'm sure you still get the feeling from time to time and honestly if you don't, I want you to know how incredibly proud of you I am. Really. Oh my god big question next. Are you a mum?! I doubt it but you never know! If so what's our baby called? Right now I want Ada-Mae for a girl or Finley/Toby James for a boy! So scary to imagine that I just hope if you are expecting or have had a baby that it's with somebody who truly appreciates and loves you, you have been through so much and 16 year old you just wants the best for adult you! How is mum and everyone? Isn't Kai 12 now? High school age! He grew up so fast and I know there's a picture of me sat holding him when I was just 9 years old and he was still a new born somewhere... How are Anne and Peter getting on? I feel awful sometimes, I can be so incredibly horrible to them and yet they gave us everything. A forever home for example when they didn't need to but no they wanted to take me into their family and they have loved me unconditionally since. Are you still living in Wales? I doubt it but again, you never know. I really haven't given my move to wales in 2019 any credit for how much I've changed, since moving here I'd say I have actually gained a little more confidence in myself and I've definitely surrounded myself with the people I now know matter the most to me. How are things with Amy Gambles? Are you still planning on going on holiday together with your partners and children, or drive down the motorway at sunset with the windows down belting out the playlist we made together? maybe you're not even in contact anymore but that thought honestly breaks me because that's like losing a sister.. It's been nearly 4 years since dad passed away, I think nearly 9 by the time you get this letter. Do you still remember how it felt when he'd kiss your cheek and you would feel his stubble brushing against you? Or how his massive hugs used to swallow you up like a big bear? and the smell of petrol and aftershave on him and his little bald spot that always have little cuts on it from where he'd whack his head on cars he was fixing? do you still get that heavy feeling when you think about the last time you saw him alive and didn't even see anything was wrong. A week before his ***** you saw him. I still feel like it's my fault because I thought I'd be able to notice he wasn't himself. I still remember his last hug and last "I love you princess". And then the next time you saw him was when you were placing a rose on his coffin in the crematorium. I still can't look at photos of him sometimes even though I joke about it as a coping mechanism. Anyways, wherever you are now or whatever it is you're doing, I hope life is treating you well and I hope you're happy in yourself and reaching the point you want to be at if you haven't already. You are a very special woman I can already tell and I'm 5 years in the past for gods sake! I wish you the best of luck with everything and I'm sending my love and hugs your way with this letter so they may be a bit stale by the time they get there ;) I love you lot's. Lainey Carline <3 29/06/2021 01:01am