A letter from Jun 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, (28/6/2021) I'm tired, I'm so very tired. I dont want to know anyone or anything, I dont want to think about anyone or anything. I dont want to move at all. I just want to float along somewhere in the sea. I'm too tired for this ****, I dont want to be here. I hate everyone and honestly I dont want to handle none of their ****. I'm tired of me, school, everyone and just in general everything. It just all seems like a gigantic loop. Again and again and again. Remember when a few hours i said that i hopefully have changed or matured since the beginning of this year. Well i was wrong, I'm back to being tired and wanting to be alone somewhere else, just like in the beginning. Anywhere near the sea with only myself, but just not here. Not in this **** hole I'm in. I went back into wanting to burn every school related object I have and not wanting to be here. I want to run away. I keep repeating to myself: I dont want to be here, I dont want to be here, I dont want to be here, I dont want to be here, i dont want to be here, i dont want to be here i dont want to be here, i dont want to be here, I really dont want to be here, let me out of this ******* loop. I hate it. I'm not so bothered by the idea of dying, I wanna get beaten up, more like I wanna beat myself up. Why does it seem like I never learn. The idea of self harm is actually somewhat tempting, in some way i deserve it. It's kinda sad, remembering how sad and panicked I was about the idea of ***** and harm as a kid. Thanks to my dad, most of my nightmares were about my whole family dying one by one. In contrast of the little me who was terrified about *****, I dont mind dying. The idea of it is kinda peaceful. I'm just wondering, arent you meant to be this done and tired of life when your old, when your near your end? So why do I feel this now? I remember when I didnt understand mom when she said that she wasnt afraid of *****, that it was gonna be a time were she could relax for once and for all. Now I understand, its peaceful and quiet, no one to bother you and nothing to remember. I just want to feel free. Its gonna sound annoying but I really just want to be alone, at some beach, floating around the sea all alone. Enjoying the blue sky and the cool water, and staying there for a long time. I hope you no longer feel this way, i really do. I want you to use this to think of the things you went through when you feel like your stuck in an impossible situation. I want you to know that you can make it through, like we hopefully did through this