A letter from Jun 28th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, future me this is about a divorce. its just teenager you writing their feelings out because they didnt feel safe enough to tell anyone. its been 5 years since your parents divorced. you are an adult now and free to do whatever you want. how are you? how are you feeling? your parents told you everything would change. do you remember it? you got told to sit down next to your dad. he was in tears, obviously crying. you were confused. you just smiled and decided to act like nothing happened. deep down you knew this would happen. your dad first moved to another room in the house. he slept and worked there. it was a small room, the smallest one of the house. you knew everything would change. his room was filled with all his stuff. including computers, work things, clothes, a bed, memories from when you were a small little kid, many bills and papers. it hurt seeing him settle in the small space. you casually smiled and decided to stay positive. because ''they both have their own space now'' and ''no more arguing''. so you left to your own room and sat by the window. its the place where you always sit to think. think about life. think about whatever is happening. think about things. just to hear yourself. the arguing stayed. it simply didnt change. every single night you heard yelling, curse words, things breaking and screaming. every single night you heard them. it could go on for the whole night. you would stay on an app called ''twitch'' to distract yourself. it was a platform where you spent hours, watching the people you love. it was where you found happiness and could forget everything around you. it helped for a couple of hours. and the next day, everything looked normal. your parents would act like everything was fine. but you knew something was wrong. you knew, everything was different. man it hurt. it hurt so much. it hurt so much, knowing they dont like each other. it hurt so much seeing them ignore each other. it hurt so much knowing the one didnt love the other. it hurt so much seeing them cry. it hurt so **** much knowing they hate each other. it hurt you so much, knowing things would change. because you were so attached to both of them. you couldnt let go. even if the other lived close, it would hurt. you were so **** attached to both of your parents that it actually hurts. but you were always there. treated as the therapist kid by your mom and a ''teenager with a weird mind'' by your father. you would dance in the rain and lie on the grass to forget your problems. deep down you were struggling so much. struggling with many intrusive thoughts. struggling with the urge to hurt yourself even worse. and no one knew. because you were simply terrified of opening up about your parents. lets talk about the night before you received the news. you couldnt fall asleep. constantly shaking and dizzy. you couldnt lie down. your legs felt numb. you had a headache and belly aches. something was telling you it would happen. you ended up staying up until 4.30 AM, something you didnt do in a couple of weeks. do you get what im telling you? it was a hint. something was telling you to stay up. at the end itll all be okay right? you will struggle for a long time because of the stupid attachment issues. it has been a day and you havent really realized what is gonna happen. its a bit much. but you'll be fine. its normal. a divorce is normal. sometimes people fall out of love and its okay. it always happens. we kids are in the middle of it and it hurts but you'll be fine. its just something you have to get used to. future me, you are turning 19 in a week. i hope youre doing better. because 5 years ago, you were a mess. i hope youre living your life like an adult. spend time with your friends please, they were the one who stayed when you didnt feel like talking. think about the one you lost. they are watching. future me, have a great rest of your day. please take some time for yourself if you need it. youve been through a lot. and, dont hide your feelings. crying is okay. we are all humans. **** the anxiety. -13 y/o you.