HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MANDZ - mandz

My most precious, By the time you'd have received this letter, you'd be 20. Wow. Happy birthday. Did you even make it that far? Did you finally vanquish those voices? Are you in uni? Did you pursue literature or psych? What path did you take? That's probably one of the biggest question marks in my, rather our, life right now. Either way, I believe (and hope) you're in a better place. Me? Well, I'm 15. In a pandemic, cooped up in this little square room. I don't know what to do. There. Full disclosure, I don't know. Not potentially lost, since the world turns even if my feet are planted on the ground. It feels more like standing in the middle of thrashing waves. Massively terrifying. I mean it, no exaggerations. It's ******* scary as ****. Let me give you a list of things I want to know. Full pressure, no secrets. 1. Have you finally found your person? 5 YEARS. Please don't tell me after that time, you're still alone. It's probably because I just feel very alone and lonely right now, but I want you to have someone by your side through the fiery pits of hell and the deepest blues of the ocean. If you'd remember how many times we cried about being by ourselves, you'd be embarrassed. Embarrassed enough that you'd want to fling me off a cliff. 2. Did you learn the guitar? Not so long ago, 15-year old you begged. BEGGED. They begged our parents for a guitar. You did not care if it was acoustic or electric. You just wanted one. I personally feel that if I had one, my words would appear less melancholic and more ... I don't know the word. I hope you know it by now. That's number 3. 4. Are you still writing? I sure hope you didn't give it up. I don't know if I'd ever forgive myself for trampling on the one thing that prevents me from being grounded to the earth. Fun fact: Not too long ago (probably a week ago), I found myself at the edge of a fissure. I almost gave it up. Frankly, I don't give a **** if you come to that point as well. What I care about is you not giving up on it. If I find out that you have, well, I can't do anything. Please. I know I'm bordering on pathetic and desperate, but please. Don't let it go. 5. Where are you going to college? I made plans with Mon-mon and JN to go to Cebu Normal University. We were going to live together and figure things out with each other. Did you do that? Or have a lot of things changed? I sure hope not. If you didn't go to CNU, where are you now? Nonetheless, I hope you're holding someone's hand, not platonically hopefully (im still lonely as **** pls get an s/o soon). 6. What happened to our high school friend group? Did we stay friends? Or did you finally drop them? If I remember correctly, they were so toxic and cruel to you. I just hope you found other people who made you laugh and smile without the price of being horrible. Hopefully, fun people who take you to clubs and have *** with you. Oh!!! Also, number 7 is DID YOU GET A **** BUDDY? I had lots, I hope you kept that streak up. squinting my eyes rn. 8. I hope you're happy. I don't care if you're happy because of academic achievement, or a newfound relationship, or maybe a repaired one. I just hope you are. Please be for the both of us, because I don't see myself being happy for the next months or a couple of years. Also, I have a very very very obtuse question. Do you remember Ralph? Yes, that Ralph. What happened? No, I mean what happened to you guys? Are you finally over that? Did you reconnect? As pathetic as it might sound, my heart and mind, body and soul, still belong to him. I know, stupid. Actually, I don't know what I want you to say. I don't want you to say you've lost him forever because I really just want him. At the same time, I don't want you to say you're with him. He was toxic. You both were. ****, we were so stupid for that. What about our family? Did our parents come to their senses, finally? Did you come out? I hope you chose the right time for that. Knowing you, though, your impulsive *** probably outed yourself accidentally through a ******* joke. Still, I think they know. Don't give a ****, though. I make out with everyone, Mom and Dad! Get over it!!! What about your commitment issues? Are they finally gone? Did you fix that part of yourself? I really hope you did, because I bet you from the time we had our first relationship to the moment you're reading this we have broken at least fifty hearts. Right now, though, I think we've hurt 3 people because of that. It's really ******, and I hope you didn't hurt someone you would've given your life up for. Don't be stupid. ****, I want to talk more. But I can't, because my 15-year old brain can't comprehend more letters and words and sentences. **** that. I hope your day went well, BFF. I love you so much, and I hope you know you're still the hottest ****** in THIS JOINT!!!!!!!!!!!! - mandz / mandy / roie