A letter from Jun 20th, 2021

Dear You, Hello! How is 36? Today I am here in our first apartment. It's quite messy even though you cleaned, and there are little fruit flies which is a menace in such a small space. The blinds are quarter open because you have an orchid and a snake plant, and you've grown accustomed to having a bit of light come in after years of just being comfortable in the shade. I guess the plants are kind of pets or children, you do for them things you won't do for yourself, but realise it's good for everyone. You also like how E looks out into the window every now and then and you see a glimpse of his face and his bright eyes. You hope that in the future he will feel less anxious about things and will not escape so much into his games, and rather just really do them purely out of enjoyment. But you're also happy that he is finding comfort and enjoyment in them, even though you feel a bit like there's subdued tension beneath the surface of his anxieties about the future. So about that. I hope that wherever you ended up finding yourselves, that you have made a comfortable, safe, engaged life. At this point you are in the stage of hoping to migrate to a place with more opportunities for you to be able to save for travels, and to travel as well. So right now your dream is Japan. I wonder where you are? You hope right now to meet new friends and have fun activities - games, music, art? What are you up to? Around now, you've decided to pursue a shared life. You started wanting to show yourself and be vulnerable. You've always had an inkling that this is what you want, but whenever you felt too vulnerable, you decided to hide away. First, because you feared criticism or looking foolish especially because you weren't anyone famous. Then you became a teacher, and you felt like you didn't want to show too much of your "wild" self because there are children you need to censor yourself for. And so you left that behind and decided to pursue a little more honesty and vulnerability, and you decided that you will try to be yourself: -a writer -a creator of art you want to see -a person sharing their struggles and their love of things in the world. You realised how this is a job that doesn't have to be reserved for "special people", that the internet makes it so that everyone can share, and everyone can help everyone be their unique self. You felt this because you became the receiver of such graces in 2020 when you were cooped up indoors, stuck in a job you realized was a poor fit, even though you loved it at first. There were people online who just shared their struggles and how they care for themselves and their creative souls, and this helped you so much. And you realised this was an infinite resource, and it was just the way love manifests in this age. It doesn't have to be seen as a commodity, even though it can often seem like that, and it is a good way to support one's life financially. There is beauty and sincerity in there. Money doesn't have to ruin everything. It's just a tool. I hope that you are answering me right now with a feeling of closure. That everything went alright in the end. I hope you continued to know yourself better, and that you kept making decisions for yourself and that you've taken continuously a little more agency in your life. Remember that you can choose. I hope actually, that you're like "Duh!" because that's how you've been living all along. I still hope you're living in a place you love, that you and E have found more things to share and improve on, that you're looking to the future with some excitement and not dread. I hope you feel peaceful when you go to bed.