A letter from Jun 18th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, How are you? Are you feeling ok? I really hope you are successful and our family members are fine too. I am holding my tears as I'm writing this. You know you can never cry in front of your family members. Mom is already stressed enough. I made some tomyum noodle soup for lunch today. It's really delicious. You better have improved your cooking skills. I hope you are in japan alrdy. Without stress and happy. And I hope you become a lil bit selfish too. Think for yourself first. Have you taken tests for adhd? I really hope we don't have that and we r just being lazy. I feel like a useless person again. I just wanna break down and cry. But it's only 2pm. Our another rule : never cry before bedtime. I don't know. I just wanna stop thinking. I've been sleeping a lot lately. It's the only time I don't have to think. Also I really hope you are alive and reading this because I want to kill myself so bad right now. You may or may not remember but now mom's right wrist is badly injured. She can't use that hand really well. She's stressed too ik. I can see that. I can see every problems. I just don't know how to solve them. Dad is still jobless. Taking money from his brother. We r right now poor as hell. I don't wanna live here anymore ditra. D mhr nyy ya dh puu laung dl. Seeing your parents stressed and not being able to help em is really making me suicidal. Mayb you have bigger problems now. But u know us. We are extremely emotional. I'm planning to apply for Kyoto iup btw. I don't know if I should really go. Would I seem as selfish? How are our parents support our sister education financially? I always get overwhelmed by my own thinking. All these questions and I don't have answers for them. It's all my fault. I am the one to blame. So when this letter gets to you, you better be alive and well, travelling your dream places with a bf who loves you deeply, has a perfect future plan and stable mental health. I know we used to think that life is meaningless and not worth to live but let's chg that ok? I'll try my best not to kill myself. For us.