A letter from Jun 11th, 2021

Dear Future Me, I love you so much. The future is so uncertain, you know? I have no idea where I'll be one year from now, especially not five. The thing I'm most curios about is what the status is on... my gender. How it appears to the outside world. I know I'm actually a boy.. Nathaniel.. and I know that mom thinks it's a phase. *******, if you ask her. Lots of overwhelming changes at this time. And being transgender is a trend right now, and that's what's influencing me. So don't worry about it, she said, it's a hard path and you should just be a kid. She thinks that she's so smart and convinced me. Because of course she did, she's a lawyer. But this is one argument she didn't win. I let her think she won, but she really didn't. Right now I'm out to 6 close friends, my mom (though she doesn't really count), and one semi-stranger (see: being influenced to come out). I like to imagine my future self before I go to sleep at night. With short dyed hair, band shirts, jeans to big for me, hoodies, flat chest, being referred to as Nate... but right now that's all a dream. It's fake. And if I don't do anything that won't happen. But mom is scary. She'll creep inside your mind and make you echo what she thinks without you realizing it. She's cunning. She's convincing. She's possessive. But I've set that I have to come out in the next 3 years, so I can start at my new school as the actual me. Also... I think step-dad is transphobic. Mom said he's not, but I have no idea. He's the nicest guy ever, you know? Works for NASA, likes tea, is Australian, and is maybe transphobic. No biggie in her book. Apparently they're getting married in the next two years. I don't know what I'll say to my dad when that happens. Oh yeah... my dad. I think he would take the news well. I think he would be awkward about it, but he would say "I support you no matter what" or something like that. Okay, well, let me talk about something less depressing. Music. My one true love. My only friend. My Chemical Romance. Fall Out Boy. Green Day. Panic! At the Disco. YUNGBLUD. Cavetown. Alec Benjamin. The Offspring. So many good bands, so many good songs. I want to write my own songs. I'm thinking about starting my own band, though I'll probably have to wait until I'm a bit older. I've come up with band names and logos, and have written mediocre lyrics. I just cannot seem to come up with music for the words. I'm afraid they'll be stuck as poems forever. But at least I'll be able to be a cover artist. Dear Future Me, in conclusion, Wherever you are now, I love you. Heck, if it turns out you're not a boy and mom was right—okay, sorry, I had to go laugh. But no matter if my dog's alive, if I'm out or not, if I still listen to good music or not... you have my support. Do whatever PRESENT you wants, not what past or future you wants.