A letter from Jun 3rd, 2021

Dear Future Emily, Right now, I’m gonna be deadass. I’m depressed as **** and I haven’t smiled in any picture legitimately in a long time. My anxiety is through the roof and I can never relax. Even writing this now my heart is racing and my hands are shaking. If this seems like a casual diary entry that’s because that’s essentially what this is. You get much more raw emotion out of yourself that way, you know? I am writing this to remind you of that feeling I felt five years ago, perhaps ever later. Academically, musically and physically, I am at an all time high, to put it bluntly, but these highs were at the expense of my mental stability and relationships. I don’t feel as close as I used to with my friends, and I often find myself silently wishing they were never my friends at all. You want to know why? It is because I think that if I had no friends, I’d be able to get more work done. I am married to my work, you’d understand that much. I hope that by now I am in medical school or something, so that all this work that I put into this associate’s degree wasn’t all in vain. I view my worth vicariously through my materialistic accomplishments, but I guess I’ve always been like that. I fear that if I don’t accomplish a certain goal I will be worthless. It’s horrible but that’s just how it is. I have dug myself a hole that I fear I will never get out of. Maybe, by the time I read this again I will have finally begun to climb out. I hate myself. And I hate that I do. Anyways, enough of me being a martyr. Here’s something positive: I am playing piano for the high school choir next year, for my senior year. Once this letter reaches you, I hope you have studied music in Italy like I wanted to at this age, lol. Remember: spend a year (or just six months) studying piano in Italy before I go to medical school. I am in love with my piano. It is the one thing I don’t dread doing, playing. Everything else— track, volleyball, studying, watching anime, reading books, or webtoons, feel like a chore. I am so burnt out and apathetic to everything, even my friends have started to notice. That’s pretty bad since we are all pretty much more narcissistic than Narcissus himself at this age. So, I love playing piano, because I feel like my old self again when I play. Someone who is passionate and happy. I’d give anything to go back to how I used to be. I have no energy. Jeez I just can’t stop going back to my chronic apathy. It’s all consuming, really. I hope you’re alright when you read this. Enough about me. Here are some questions for you: - are you in med school? how’s that going? (if not, what are you up to?) still going for pediatric orthopedic surgeon? i know you don’t like old people lol - do you have a boyfriend? who is he? (also, remember colton carter? check up on him sometime. i’m sure he’s still cute:) - where are you living? are you still planning on leaving the country? - do you have any cats? right now, i really want cats. i have three names picked out and their appearances already lol: kira (like from ***** note): a black cat with a cute little chain collar, marceline: a grey cat with a red collar, and finally, doja: a white cat with a pink collar. i thought these were all very cute names but my personal favorite is kira. i don’t care if they’re girls or boys either i’ll name them what i want. - do you still watch anime? it’s been like five years so maybe you’ve changed but it’s been entertaining me for about two years now. some of the fans make me cringe so hard though i’m sure you can relate. - do you still have a 4.0? i’m going to be honest: i hope you don’t. maintaining that 4.0 is what has made me the way i am don’t forget. - what college did you earn your bachelor’s degree at? (if you even earned it, who knows) - do you still read tower of god? you should have expected this one lol. right now, siu just came back from that long *** hiatus that lasted for like a year. or has it ended? right now i’d say we’re in like the middle of season three, but i read that it will end at four seasons. it’s such a great story, and if you dropped it i really encourage you to pick it up again. i wonder if crunchyroll ever made a second season. - how are your friends? are they kind to you? make sure you picked the right ones. - do you smoke weed? i have quit right now but i have something in the back of my mind telling me that i should pick it back up in college. i hope i haven’t. if you have, please quit. one last thing: right now, i think i’m bisexual. i don’t know if i actually am but being bi is one of those things that doesn’t really bother me. i still accomplish all that i do, and those that judge won’t hinder me anyway. bisexuality just gives me more options, really. i don’t mind being closeted forever. those that i fear reactions from don’t even deserve to know anyway. That’s all I have. I hope you’re doing well. one last thing: here is a rant that really sums up how i am currently feeling. read it again if you’d like. yet another confession: don’t read this if you’re not that interested fr if i didn’t already have academic and extracurricular incentives i would unapologetically lay in my bed all day i honestly have no problem with the the concept of being an average student and underachiever but ever since i was little i have continued to set such unrealistically high standards for myself that when i feel like i have not met those standards i feel like i am not allowed to relax or have fun as some sort of punishment until i can make up for it by meeting an even higher standard. i am not going to have a fun summer because i have yet again set an unrealistic high standard for myself that i feel i must meet. but why don’t i just stop setting those standards? it’s too late i feel too much guilt for not even setting these standards that keeps me up on school nights and keeps me in my room on weekends. i cant ever relax. i have been burnt out for years now i hardly enjoy anything if i can’t do it perfect anyways the point of this was to express to those of you admiring me for my academic accomplishments (if you have heard of them) that ITS NOT WORTH IT LIVE YOUR LIFE DONT BE LIKE ME sorry i just wanted to get this weight off my chest but of course it still lingers this was in a finsta post but i changed the caption. Goodbye I love you<3