A letter from Jun 1st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I didn’t write a letter last month, Did I? I think that explains pretty well how I’m feeling. I don’t even have the motivation to take a few minutes and write a **** letter once a month. It’s kinda pathetic. Oh well. The winter soldier series was great. Next week starts the Loki series. I have high expectations. But onto whats really the issue. I finally fot my summer job. It’ll be my first official paying job. At a home for elders. Before I vent, I want to make it clear that I do not look down at older people. I do not look down at people who works at places like this. But I do not want to work there. The reason why is mainly the social issue. I’m not ready for a job like this. Not after having locked myself away from proper social interactions. And now I’m suppose to just throw myself right into a four weeks long work. I don’t think I can handle it. Or well, I can because I must. But it will be difficult. Maybe when you read this, 5 years from now, You’ll ask yourself ”why the **** did I make such a big deal out of nothing? It wasn’t that bad” No. Maybe. Perhaps not. But right now, It is that bad. Some days I wake up with an empty head. I sit down and eat breakfast, and it feels like forever. I don’t want to eat. Then I get dressed, even though I want to stay in my pajamas. And then depending on if its online or not, I go to school or I open my computer. And I realize, I dont want to be here. I don’t want to do this. It gets so bad, that after each classes all I feel like doing is laying down and sleep more. Just sleep. sleep. sleep. I push away on work until the last minute. Like now. Tomorrow I need to talk in a group about a few short stories we have read. But I still haven’t started. I dont even know what I’m suppose to read. Summer vacation was suppose to be me recharging. Hopefully getting to be with family. But now im forced to work. And after I’ve finished with my weeks of work, My family will be leaving for vacation without me. Because im 18 and I need to get my own life. You know that belief on how when you turn 18, its your choice on what you do or don’t do? Well its ********. I’m getting forced to work doing summer. But I’m not seemingly allowed to use my work money on following with them on vacation. It’s like they want to make me miserable. ”Here. Do this thing you really don’t wanna do. And then we won’t allow you to use it on what you want to so because we don’t want you with us”. Thats what I feel like they are saying. Do they not love me...? Can they not stand me? Sometimes dark thoughts fog my mind. Thoughts telling me that it would be a lot easier if I just didn’t live. But whatever. I’m now going to go and do the school work that I dont wanna do. Because that’s all my life is about. Doing stuff I don’t actually want to do. I hope things are better for you in the future.