Letter to my family, friends, and to 33-year-old myself, if I stay alive

Dear FutureMe, and dear all the few people who loved me so far, I'm almost 28 years old now, in November 8, I will turn 28. I am an unemployed with 2 diplomas: one bachelor's degree, one associate degree. I live in Istanbul, Turkey. I wanna leave a letter here for myself and for the few people, who loved me so far. This is also my will, in case I die within the next 5 years. Actually, I don't know where to start, but let's do it. When I was born, at first my aunt (mom's younger sister) didn't want me, but later she loved me. When I was a child, I was always excluded from the others. I don't know the reason, I swear. I was always ridiculed by the others. I was even declared "terrorist" by the headmaster of the high school I graduated, because of the crime I never committed, I never damaged his car, I have never committed vandalism. But he shouted at my face "you have no difference from a terrorist, you are a terrorist!". I always dreamed of being a soldier. Because I was so coward that I could never **** myself. And, maybe if I died for people, people might have loved me as a hero. But I couldn't, because of health problems, just like I could never manage to do something good. I was never loved by anyone except for my family, and my best friend, whom I will mention later, but you know the saying: "a mother goose always thinks her gosling is a swan." I could never manage anything. I could never be a good person, I could never be a good son for my family, I could never be a good friend for my few friends, I could never be a good boyfriend for all the women I had been in relationship, I could never live, I could never die. I feel, and I know I am a burden for my family, friends, and even for the whole world. I wish I could write many goals I want to reach here. But, I can write only two goals. To feel good, and to stay alive. If I stay alive 5 years later, I will consider myself successful. Because, I don't know how long I can take this life full of loneliness and lovelessness. If I don't die somewhat in 5 years, see you later. If I die, and you read this, this is my will; I want all my goods and properties to be given my besties. Let them take whatever they want. I want all my clothes to be donated for people in need. But please, give them the newest ones. And don't forget to wash them properly. I leave all the money and/or properties to my family. If they are not alive, I leave all of them to İrem Ayka, who is kinda like my sister. She had always been a good friend for me, I accepted her as my foster sister. She had a problematic life like me, too. I could not make her have candid smile and happiness. I could not be a good friend and older brother for her, maybe. Maybe this can make her happier. I wanna finish my letter with a passage from the novel A Hero of Our Time by Mikhail Lermontov. It was my favourite. "My cheerless youth passed in conflict with myself and society, and fearing ridicule I buried my finest feelings deep in my heart, and there they died." Thanks, Furkan