A letter from May 25th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I wish you weren't that smart, that aware, that curious, that weird, that special, that wild, that anti-social, that sick of society. Life is beautiful and I'm living it at his 2%. It's sounds so sad bro, but it's so true. Looking at the sky every day makes me feel alive, listen to birds, mow the lawn, taking a deep breath outside, the sound and the smell of the rain, period pain, yeah let's not forgot about that lol, touching the grass makes me feel alive. I've been lying to my mom, dad, brother, well every single person around me. for 5 years, I'm 19 btw, (while writing this, I'm listening to a depressing playlist) You know, the story is pretty simple, I'm living for my mom, so she can stays alive. I'm happy for her, I eat, breath, smile, sing, jump, cook, live for her. Every morning I open my eyes, and start a new chapter has the perfect daughter who never complain. Imagine if I had the audacity to be fully myself. Our family is a beautiful mess, we love each other like we hate each other. (parents POV) I wish we'd live in the dark, so we couldn't be able to judge the colors of everything and just appreciate the value of things for what they are. I need someone to understand who I am, someone I could share things from my mind without being judge or whatever, someone I could talk for days without being bored for one second. I think I have a GOD complex, but it's ok, because If I didn't tell myself that I'm powerful and have a pure soul, and perfect, no one is going to tell me that. I feel like you can understand this, right ? and it's probably also because of KANYE West to be honest. "I love myself like Kanye loves Kanye". I talk a lot to myself, like 1h/day, I think it's a lot and it doesn't feels right you know.. Like I talk to my mirror, and create different stories and moment. I just do, and I like it. I pretend to be a different person, and it's cool sometimes to escaped from reality and be someone else. It's a way to forgot myself, my life, and my thought. I feel beautiful when I look the mirror. I've cut myself from my "friends", i don't know if it was a good choice or not, but I did. I haven't talk to Esther for 4 months now, and I don't feel bad about it. She doesn't need me anyway, Look at her stories and new friends !!! it's the perfect life baby! I also don't know what to do with my life, but like for real. I don't want to do anything, I thought of being a none or becoming a farmer, I don't know yet. Maybe in 5 years we'll know ;). I feel like I could do anything with my life, like I'm able and have the capacities to be whatever I want, even president. Yeah, I have great ideas to make my country a little bit better (I think). The society is trying to put us in a shell, a shell full of glue, so we can't move or talk. So they can control us and play with us. I hate society, and I hate myself. I have a lot of anger in me, it's toxic, because I'm always cold and thinking about how I could beat some *** of some jerks. I hate a lot of people and don't love easily, but when I do, you become a part of me. For now, I only love my family. My heart is a bit empty, so there is a place for you if you want to...(you=my soulmate, he's probably reading this right now <3) What if it was all a lie. What if I don't know myself. What if I've been pretended since day one. What if we'll never know. What if I'm not me. What if I don't care. What if I live in a lie and pretend to be someone else and don't give a **** about it because we'll never know, if I'm me or not. I don't know if I'm done with this letter, but I wanna send it. Send it and forget about it. And five years later, reading this and being like, "I was so boring and lonely,.. Can't relate now, because I'm fully myself and happy as ****, and everyone is doing good, and mom isn't sick anymore, JP has his own appartement, Dad has his jeep and Mamé still have her beautiful smile on her face and live live at his fullest" Well if I'm really going to say that, It's because we won the lottery right ? HAVE A GOOD LIFE Future me, I love you so so much. You're a great human. Don't be fulled with regrets for people who dont give a **** about you. LOVE YOU. The day you will reading this, look at the sky, full of stars and find our stars, you know * * *, they are like that! it's our favorite stars. Then take a deep breath, cry a bit, smile, take more deep breath and scream, I'll hear you.